Communication Tips for Talking about Tricky Topics

“I want to quit my job and go back to school.” “I would like us to work with a relationship coach.” “I think we need to make some decisions about our child.” “I want to spend more intimate time with just you.” It's not always easy to speak what you want or how you see a situation in your relationship. It might be that the topic is a tricky one for you and your partner. Perhaps you two have argued or felt distant and tense with one another when you talked about this issue in the past. Or maybe you're pretty sure your mate will not agree with your point of view and you worry about the consequences of voicing your thoughts and desires. You don't want to lose connection and sometimes that seems to mean that you have to dismiss your desires. But no matter how much distance you think will result in your being honest and talking about this tricky topic, the distance can be far greater if you stuff it down and try to avoid the issue. The biggest wedges can form between a couple over things they fear talking about. When you gather up your courage and communicate from the heart with a sense of openness, you can find that even if you two don't agree, you can move closer together. nnHere are a few communication tips to try... Practice being honest with yourself first. You really can't effectively communicate about what you want with your mate until you know clearly what that is for yourself. Maybe you are very clear about what you want and what the issue is for you. If so, that's great. Before you approach your mate to talk, however, know what the core of the situation is for you. Sometimes, when you dig deeper into your own feelings and beliefs, you find that the core of an issue is about something completely different than what you originally thought. Take the time to sort out your own feelings before getting into a conversation with your partner. For example, you might want to make a career change but are worried about how your partner will handle this potential transition. Ask yourself what is most important to you in terms of the change you desire. Is this mostly about leaving your current job or is it more about attaining more education or training? How flexible are you willing to be in meeting the conce s your partner might have? What specific plans do you have for this change? Being honest with yourself will not only help you clarify your next step, it can help you communicate in a way that will support your partner's understanding. nnStay focused on what's true for you. We encourage you to keep your focus on what's true for you as you talk with your partner. It might be easy to shift your attention away from what you want to say in an effort to try to keep things comfortable for your mate and not rock the boat. Of course, we encourage you to be gentle and sensitive to your mate. If he or she needs space or some time to process what you are proposing, create an agreement and allow for that. At the same time, keep reminding yourself of what your core desire is and keep returning to it. Does this mean that it has to “your way” or else? Not at all. If you're telling your mate that you want to quit your job and go back to school, keep at the forefront of your mind that goal. Listen to what your mate has to say-- this decision will likely impact him or her as well. It could be that your partner asks you to wait a certain number of months so that the two of you can save up money and figure out how to most easily address the cost and other factors involved with this change. Ultimately, this doesn't have to be a case where one of you “wins” and the other “loses.” And it is almost always that case that you both have valid perspectives on a particular situation. You can learn from one another and each can expand-- but only if you stay open and at ease with your position. When you approach the conversation with an attitude that you are on the same team and an expectation that you can find a solution and next step that feels good to you both, you are on your way to connecting communication. nnnnn