Developing Emotional Balance

“Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.” –Alice Walker

I’ve recently become aware of how I can shape my own emotional states through managing my expectations. I’m finding that if I say or do something with the expectation that it will have a positive result (like someone will be pleased or impressed), most of the time the reactio
I get falls short of the expectation, and I feel disappointment. On the other hand, if I have a negative expectation, like someone will be mad at me in response to something I say, then I tend to restraint myself. If I don’t actually say it, then my assumption never gets tested, and it’s as if I did get the negative reaction (thanks to my own imagination) because I never gave reality the chance to disprove my belief.

By being able to observe these states inside myself, I’ve been developing emotional balance, and I can feel when I am emotionally centered, and when I am starting to get off-balance. When I sense myself beginning to imagine a specific positive outcome from something I’m doing, I now know that I’m setting myself up for disappointment. When I sense myself beginning to imagine a specific negative outcome, I now know I’m setting myself up for fear and self-restraint. The ideal state seems to be uncertainty.

In the state of uncertainty, I am receptive, curious, and sensitive to meaningful feedback. In the state of uncertainty, I can change my plan in appropriate ways as new information becomes available. But one of the many hazards of being human is that humans don’t like uncertainty. When we’re trying anything new or different, we like to have some sense of what the risks are, and what the payoff will likely be. We like to be secure in thinking we understand the probable consequences of our actions. But, ironically, thinking we already know the likely outcome may keep us from achieving the actual outcome, or may lead us to disappointment because the small positive we achieved failed to measure up to the big positive we expected.

Staying emotional balanced means not letting yourself get too far into either a positive or a negative expectation. If you can’t maintain an attitude of uncertainty, at least try to balance out the positive and negative expectations. If you’re imagining you’ll get a big reward from something you’re working on, stop to think about what could go wrong and how you might deal with it. If you’re imagining a negative outcome, stop to ask yourself why you think this will happen, and whether you could possibly be wrong. Then try to imagine at least one or two possible positive outcomes to offset the negative ones you’ve been holding in your mind.

Along with managing your expectations, you also manage your emotions. By reducing disappointment, you can stay motivated, and by reducing fear, you will encounter less internal resistance in getting things done.