Don't Apologize

Founder, Global Relationship Centers, Inc.
I took our TV tuner into the store where I purchased it and asked their service department how soon they could service it for us. They told me that it would take ten business days. I toldnthem I need it sooner, but was told that they were unable to deliver rush service, so I left the equipment with them for repair. Two weeks later, they phoned me and said that my tunernwas ready. When I arrived at the store, I was told that they did not do repair work on that type of tuner and that I would have to go to the manufacturer for the repairs. When I asked why itntook two weeks to give me that information, they admitted that they had made a mistake. To make up for it they would give me something of significant value for wasting so much of myntime. What they gave me was . . . an apology!
Did you ever get one of those? Have you ever stopped to realize that an apology is worthless? You can't even trade it for a cup of coffee. What is worse yet is that the manager who issued this wonderful gift to me actually thought that I would be pleased to receive it, then gracefully removed himself from any further neednto make amends for his company's error.
May I suggest that an apology is not something of value to the recipient; it is of value only to the person who issues the apology. It is designed to assist the offender in feeling that he has made amends. It is a claim that you were justified in making the mistake. Think about it. When you say “I apologize” or “I'm sorry”, doesn't it allow you to feel that the matter is now complete? After the apology, it not only seems unnecessary to do anything tonmake up for your mistake, it also excuses you from having to look inside and ponder about what flaw in your character may have led to the mistake. Every apology is a symptom of anlack of self-acceptance. If you were more loving with yourself about the mistakes you make,there would be no need to say you are sorry. With self-acceptance, you can easily andncomfortably study your mistake and learn how to improve. Without self-acceptance you need to quickly close the case before you observe your mistake. Other ploys we use are offering a quick but insincere confession, feeling guilty, or expressingnregret. None of these tactics lead to introspection or resolution and all of them are worthless to the person we have inconvenienced.
Here is what I suggest. First, start becoming aware of how often you say “I apologize” or “I'mnsorry.” Just by avoiding saying those phrases you will notice that you become more aware of places where you are inconsiderate. Most of us strive to hide our own inconsiderateness from ourselves even though we are experts at seeing the inconsideration of others. We don'tnrecognize that becoming aware of where and when we are inconsiderate is one of the most powerful things we can do to improve the quality of our life. How well we get along withnothers controls our level of anxiety. If we remain blind to our inconsiderate actions, there is no way we can improve them. We will be oblivious to the things we do to disturb ournrelationships. However, if we can recognize our inconsiderate actions we have the opportunity to avoid the hassles they can cause us. Second, I suggest that instead of saying “I apologize” or “I'm sorry,” you do something tonmake up for the error. What if the person at the store that wasted my time had said “I can see that our mistake was inconvenient for you. I will talk to my manager and we will send you something to make up for our error.” Can you see that doing so would have made me, their customer, feel understood and appreciated, while apologizing only relieved their guilt, leavingnme feeling powerless, misunderstood, and resentful?n© Global Relationship Centers, Inc. 2007
As a positive example, I overheard an angry customer at a copy/print store telling the clerk about how she had to spend over an hour making copies on one of their machines becausenthe instructions were not clear. She was upset and talking in a disgusted tone of voice, threatening to never come there again. The clerk was amazing! He listened intently until shenfinished her entire explanation and said “I don't blame you for being upset. There will be no charge for the copies you made.” The tone of the customer’s voice abruptly changed and with a big smile she said “Oh, it’s OK.. I just wanted you to know so you could fix it and I would not have that trouble the next time I come in.” The make-up probably cost $5.00. Is it worth $5.00 to keep a customer?
Years ago, I received a letter in the mail from the manufacturer of my car. It said they had discovered the design on the model I owned was causing excessive tire wear, and included ancheck for $50.00 to make up for the fact that my tires would not last as long as they should. They were correct. The tires did not last long. I’m sure that during the time I owned that car I spent much more than the $50.00 replacing the tires. But I felt so good about the company that I subsequently bought two more cars from them and have told many, many people aboutnhow considerate they were. Just the value of the great word-of-mouth advertising I did for them was worth way more than the $50.00 they spent on the make-up. And what made itneven more powerful is that they sent the check even though I had never complained to them about the tires. However, prior to receiving the check I had complained to others about thentire wear. So their make-up stopped bad publicity and turned it into good publicity. Stop for a moment and think of the last time you said “I apologize” or “I'm sorry.” Think about what you could have done as a make-up. It will take some practice to get good at doing this,nbut be patient with yourself. Remember that increasing how considerate you are will increasenthe quality of all of your relationships.