FORGIVE AND FORGET-ME-NOTS

When I was asked recently by a caller on a talk radio show what was the single most important thing one could do to become authentically who he or she really is, the host and I talked the rest of the hour about forgiveness. Forgiveness is more about cleaning up toxic bad-boy and bad-girl behavior within yourself than it is about waiting until the cows come home for someone to seek your forgiveness. From more than 45 years of processing life histories with clients, it is apparent that those whom you perceive have harmed you is more like ‘the Hatsfields and Mccoys have at it’—‘til the best man or woman wins. Waiting around for someone to make you feel better about your emotional breakdowns is futile. More than likely it won’t happen. What does open you up to become real and legitimate as a human being is making amends to others.

I have retooled and rethought the old saw “forgive and forget”. My bag of healing strategies includes, ‘we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it,’ so I choose to have a mental diary of all those who have been my Diogenes by mirroring my inappropriate behaviors. The title of my new book came from an episode with a former employee whom I perceived had harmed me. My spiritual teacher, Swami Swahananda brought me to the light of my misdeed—my part of the bad blood between this man and me—when he said, “You always come to me and say that you are not who you think you are; perhaps, you are not who he thinks you are either. And never forget him or the antagonism you experienced. “

If you find yourself in a war of words or worse with someone, take an inventory. Write down all of what happened and then write what your part in the misery is. Go to someone you trust and discuss this situation. When you are ready, go to the people with whom there is enmity and clear up your part. A friend of mine says constantly, “If you want peace, make peace.” Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, make peace. Forgive, and for the sake of contributing to mental health, always remember this person and the life lesson you will have learned.