Forgiving Sets Us Free

You may face struggles in forgiving people who have hurt you. The anger, bitterness, resentment and hatred within rob us of the joy and compassion in our hearts. We become unhappy as revengeful thoughts fill the minds e.g.n n

“I’ll let you have a taste of your own medicine."

n

“You hurt me so I’ll hurt you back. You must pay for the pain you caused."

n

“An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth."

n

“You deserve it. Serves you right. Ha! Ha!”

n

“You will be punished and get retribution.”

n

“I’ll not help you even if anything bad happen to you or you are admitted into hospital or visit your grave”

nnWe start to keep a distance from the person by acting aloof, hostile or give a cold shoulder. The person may be treated as invisible. We ignore him/her and cut off the communication. He/she is seen to be unworthy of our attention and love. The room is filled with air of hostility and tension whenever he/she is around. His/her voice becomes detestable. We can’t wait to get him/her out of our sight. We can be scolding the person many times in our minds.nnWhen we replay the incidents that lead to unforgiveness repeatedly in our minds, we are reliving the pain and hurt many times again. Sometimes we remain in anger, bitterness, resentment and hatred in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt. However, we become imprisoned by the negative emotions. nnIt may seem like we are punishing the person by withdrawing love and attention, but actually we are punishing ourselves. Our emotional health suffers leading to physical problems. The negative feelings can also spill over to other relationships and affect others negatively as well. Learning to overcome these negative emotions help to develop emotional strength and add on to our maturity.nnnMyths about forgivingnn

1. "It means to erase / forget the hurt, pain and suffering."
nnIt is not forgetting what has happened. We cannot erase our memory but we can choose not to dwell in it.nn
2. "I have to tolerate or excuse the person’s behaviour."nnWhen we forgive, it does not make the person’s action right. We are not excusing their behaviour or ignoring the hurt.
nn
3. "It is the same as reconciliation."nnThey are different. Reconciliation requires mutual effort to rebuild trust, initiate and maintain reconciliation. Both parties share the responsibility. It can happen if the person is alive and sincerely repentant. nnA person can slip back to old ways on and off after changing their ways. When this happen, we may feel discouraged and wonder if the reconciliation efforts are worth it. But as behaviours are habitual, it can take time to change.
nn
4. "It encourages the person to continue hurting me."nn“What if I’m encouraging person to sin or indirectly saying it’s ok that you hurt me, you can do it again, I’ll still forgive you."
   n"What if I’m taken advantage of?”nn“It is risky. I might get hurt again. Why take the risk? I don’t want to be vulnerable. It’s safer for things to remain status quo. Though it’s not ideal but it’s safe. Why should I invite trouble to be vulnerable to be taken advantage of by extending grace?”nnIt is not allowing people to hurt you. We have to protect ourselves in the threat of aggressive behaviour or physical harm. nn
5. "I should not feel and behave in unforgiving manner. Why am I so narrow minded? I blame myself for allowing it to happen."nnWe are humans with emotions. There is a tendency to react when we are hurt. We cannot pretend that the negative feelings do not exist. The important thing is not to be consumed by anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred and seek revenge. Acknowledging and dealing with them helps us to release them.
nn
6. "I can only forgive when person admits wrong and change his/her ways. Then he/she deserves it."nn“Why should I offer it when person keeps sinning? I’m not in the wrong. That person is.”nn“Until they admit they are wrong, repent and change their ways, and ask for forgiveness otherwise I won’t offer it, there is no reason to.”nn“What if the person doesn’t deserve it?”nnWe cannot control another person’s behaviour but we can choose ours. The person may not change his/her behaviour but we can choose to forgive.
nn
7. "It can be achieved at one attempt.”nnIt is a process.

nHow to forgive?nn

• Putting ourselves in their shoes can help us understand the causes of their behaviour better. Sometimes, we may realize that we can act in similar way under the same situation or circumstances. We may also identify the needs the person is trying to meet.
nn
• Remember past kindness to us if any. When we are hurt, we tend to focus and believe only bad things about the person and forget the good a person has done for us. Reflect on the strengths and weaknesses of the person.nn
• Let go of the right to punish. Decide not to inflict reciprocal pain to person who hurt you. This means giving up the right to hurt people back. Refrain from instinctive response of retailiation.

We can set ourselves free from bitterness, anger and hatred and move forward in life or remain in misery. We have the choice. We can change. It starts with us. Take a step at a time towards forgiving and move closer to a healthy emotional life.