From Victim to Survivor to Whole

A few weeks back, I rented a copy of 'Rachel Getting Married'. The movie as a whole was painfully fantastic, but one scene in particular resonated very strongly with me; it's message bouncing around my head for some time. catie hayes soapbox

In the scene, the lead character, Kym, attends a 12-step meeting. Various people take turns sharing before the camera stops upon the quiet face of one woman in the room. She explains that for so many years before finding sobriety, her life revolved around her addiction. Upon reaching sobriety, her life then revolved around maintaining it. For much of her life, it seemed as though the addiction and the recovery defined who she was. She had come to realize, however, she was so much more than either an addict or an addict in recovery. Both were part of her, but neither encompassed who she was in her entirety.

I look back on my own experiences, and the losses, betrayals and desertions I've lived through boggle my mind still. I remember quite clearly the feeling of utter helplessness and despair that these things had happened. There were times I felt my heart had been cleaved in two, and imagining how I could possibly get through the next minute felt more tha
I could take on That is the victim talking. There were other times where I was aware of my own power in living through trauma and my ability to choose to discontinue reliving it. That is the survivor talking.

It seems to me that no matter the traumatic experience, part of anyone's healing process has to be the recognition that we are so much more than what we experience. Whether we lose a loved one, suffer from addiction or abuse, lose a home, a job, a relationship, none of these losses fully describe who we are. Trauma colors our perception of the world and our place in it, but it fails to determine who we are at the core. We are so much more than the result or sum of our experience.

In recognizing there is more to us than loss and suffering, moving closer to some form of wholeness becomes possible. We are no longer just a victim or survivior of circumstances. We approach a sense of acceptance and understanding of who we are at our core. In that, I believe, lies the blessing of Grace.

Laura Berman Fortgang expressed this beautifully :

"Self-grieving is such a painful, lonely, body wracking place. It is so dark and so exhausting. Why would anyone choose to go there? There are only glimpses of meaning until we are on the other side of it. No wonder most of us try to avoid it. We are afraid we'll never come back from it, so we won't go there, and yet going there and getting through to the other side can be one of the most transformative experiences live can offe

We are not the pain. We are not the tragedy. We are the soul and the soul is eternal. And the experience of the soul lives on as wisdom to relieve suffering for others.

We are not who we think we are. Thank goodness"nn * from 'The Little Book on Meaning: Why We Crave It, How We Create It ' by Laura Berman Fortgang (page 23)nnblessings,

Catie

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