How to Disagree without being Disagreable

Disagreement is an unavoidable part of life. While at school or work we have to evaluate peers , offer alternatives to proposals and stand up for our opinions. In other areas of our personal life we must negotiate with friends, lovers, husbands parents and even obnoxious strangers.

Many people dread these confrontations. When faced with potential conflicts, they keep quiet to preserve the peace…but often become angry at themselves for doing so. Or… they speak up, but in a hostile way that escalates the conflict and alienates others unnecessarily.

But….it doesn't have to be this way. There are simple techniques we can all apply to defuse hostility and make communication less stressful and more effective.

PEACEFUL CONFLICT

• Detach yourself immediately. To deal with conflict in a rational way we need enough distance to evaluate the situation and determine the best possible response. This can be difficult. Our first instinct when someone shouts at us or embarrasses us is to protect our self esteem. When we try to protect ourselves we often try to get even or lash out unproductively at the other person. It is helpful to realize that the other person's goal was not to cause us pain. Usually he/she was reacting without considering our feelings. Seeing the other person differently can help us come up with a more effective response.
• Phrase responses in neutral ways. For example:
Do not put extra emphasis on any of your words, which signals your anger.
Substitute third-person language for I an you. This allows you to depersonalize and remove the emotion from the statement you are making. Such as: "When people don't have their work ready on time it frustrates others who depend on them."nstick to the factsnavoid personal languagen state the effects of the current behavior and the reasons it needs to changen • Avoid trigger words and phrases. These are expressions that have hostility built into them and are guaranteed to provoke conflict. Common phrases include:
If you really…"if you really loved me"…"if you really cared about the job"
Why…? When this is used with emphasis it impl. It implies that the person had major problems and just barely was able to get the task done.
• The Boring Response The Boring Response Responding to a verbal attack by giving a long and boring response has the effect of gently talking the other person into more passive behavior. It is important that your tone of voice be calm and neutral and avoid any type of sarcasm or patronizing.
• Be honest When all else fails you may need to sit down with the person in private and state your position frankly. It is still very important that you keep your voice low, neutral and without hostility. n nnies hat the other person is wrong and must justify his actions. Try "Tell me…" that is more neutral.
Managed as in you managed to get something donenn