How to Raise Loving, Cooperative Children

We recently flew across the country with my youngest sister and her nine-months-old baby son.nnHe didn’t sleep.n nAt all.n nNot a wink.n nFor five and a half hours.n nOn an airplane.n nAre you squirming yet?n nOkay, I’m just teasing you. Everything I said above is absolutely true, but our flights – and the baby – were absolutely wonderful.n nHe wasn’t silent. In fact, he carried on several conversations, some at a rather amplified volume. But there was no crying, wailing, or gnashing of teeth. Mostly, he smiled his way across the country.n nWe spent a week on the west coast, uniformly happy but jet-lagged. The baby continued to make everyone he encountered fall in love with him, including his two pre-teen male cousins.n nA miracle, you say?n nMy sister insists that she just got “lucky.” He has an unusually good disposition. He was on his best behavior.n nBut I know better.n nMy beautiful nephew is happy and charming because he knows, that in this life at least, all his needs will be met.n nHow does he know this? From direct experience.n nMy sister is a wonderful mother. When baby starts wagging his head from side to side, searching for his mother’s breast, he is fed.n nWhen he starts scrunching up his little face and frowning, someone changes his diaper.n nWhen he gets tired, someone gently cuddles him until he falls asleep.n nIn the times between, he is surrounded by loving people, who are giving him attention, entertaining him, making funny faces and kissing his tummy.n nWith this kind of life, I would probably be unfailingly cheerful too.n nI wonder, how my own sons’ behaviors might change, if they enjoyed the pre-teen equivalent of my nephew’s utopia.n nConscious Parenting Skill-Building Part 5: How to Raise Loving, Cooperative Children n nPam Leo, in Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, through Love instead of Fear, says that building a strong, loving connection with our children pays off regardless of age. It is this connection that fine tunes our senses, as conscious parents.n nWhen we are connected to our children, we are able to detect the subtle cues that tell us our child’s needs are not being met... before this neediness escalates to pain. We are able to respond, before the pain escalates to unwanted behaviors. n nPam goes so far as to suggest that as parents, we aren’t supposed to be able to ignore or accept our child’s needy behaviors. These behaviors (think, crying, whining, arguing, fighting) are annoying by design. They are supposed to goad us into action.n nThe problem comes when our conditioned response to these behaviors is anger – and an assumption that we can “fix” these behaviors by punishing our child.n nWhy would you punish a child who is already in pain? n nThe task for many of us, I suspect, is to accept the underlying premise that our children want to be agreeable and cooperative – that their challenging behaviors are due to unmet needs and pain, rather than defiance or selfishness.n nI struggle with this myself. On the conscious level, I totally buy into Pam’s teaching. But deep down in my subconscious, where 95% or so of my processing takes place, I have absorbed a very different belief system.n nSomething passed down through generations.n nHow do I know this? Through direct experience. I know that about 95% of the time, when one of my sons pushes one of my many buttons, my reaction is immediate and automatic.n nAnd negative.n nIf I am not vigilant, I take every lie, shout, shove and argument personally. How can my children say they love me and then behave this way??n nOf course, it’s not all about me. Unless it’s all about me not paying close enough attention to them.n nAnd so, I am going into training. Here is my plan, for the remainder of the school year:n n1. First, I am posting the following quote on my bathroom mirror, just to keep me focused: “Children need love most when they appear to deserve it the least.” – Pam Leon n2. When my children yell, scream, hit or argue, I am going to say: “I am so sorry you are upset / hurt / in pain. What do you need right now?” And then, I am going to try my best to give it to them.n n3. When my children exhibit unacceptable behaviors that cause harm or damage, rather than punishing them, I am going to assist them in making restitution.n n4. Each day, I am going to concentrate on filling my children’s love buckets with extra doses of love, acceptance and positive experiences that build connections.n nThis should keep me busy, and moderately challenged. I will report results and any impressive conclusions that I draw along the way.n nIf this approach shows promise, I will make a long-term commitment to practice, practice, practice.n nShouldn’t take more than ten or twenty years, to re-train my subconscious mind.n nSounds like fun.n n nRelated Posts: n nI published the first four entries in my Conscious Parenting Skill-Building series earlier this year:n nPart 1: How to Stop the Yelling,n nPart 2: Words Count: How to Clean Up Your Family’s Vocabulary,n nPart 3: “I’ve told you a hundred times”... When Your Children Never Seem to Learn, andn nPart 4: 7 Ways to Make Peace with Your Child.n nnRecommended Reading: nnI continue to highly recommend Pam Leo’s, Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, through Love instead of Fear. It’s just too good to pass up.