Love Me Do: Maximizing The Love In Your Relationship

I Love You! Is there a more powerful statement? Women swoon. Men quake. Souls are saved and lives are destroyed. But, what is it and how can you get more of it?nnThink about your past loves and the loving couples that you know. Love is displayed and practiced in variety of ways, including kissing, snuggling, talking, sharing, and vowing eternal devotion All loving activities share qualities of physical passion, close friendship, or commitment to the relationship. Those enjoying consummate love will tell you they are vigorously enjoying all three manifestations of love, not just one or two.nnIf you are fortunate enough to know a couple who has been a truly loving pair for many years, you will find they have worked tirelessly at all aspects of love. Though the trials and tribulations of life have inevitably caused waxing and waning of the various expressions of love, they have worked hard to maintain their love for one another. nnMany years ago while preparing to teach a Social Psychology class, I read a brief summary of Dr. Robert Sternberg's "Triangular Theory of Love"1. His message stuck with me and, over time, his theory became a regular part of my couple's therapy. I have taken some liberties with his model , and what follows is the tailored version of the theory that my patients have found most valuable.nnThe Three Lovesn nLove is not a singular thing. It comes in many forms. There are at least three different types of Love. Mix and match as you desire. Some loving relationships contain all three types of love, and some flourish with only one. In nearly all relationships, love will variously bloom and wilt, shift and settle, die and perhaps be reborn, but rarely will it remain unchanged. Enjoy the variety of love available during good times and hope that there is enough commitment love to make it through the tough times.nnLove #1: Passion LovennEvery time Nashua sees Jocelyn his heart races and his day brightens. She is the fuel that makes his engine race. Jocelyn is equally energized in Nashua's presence. Their desire is palpable and their glow not easily ignored or extinguished, as each seeks physical contact with the other. They are clearly head over heels in love.nnPassion Love is a thrill ride that frequently begins with "love at first sight". It is often referred to as infatuation, lust, or romance - depending on the perspective and gender of the observer. Those in the throes of Passion Love can't seem to get enough of each other. Its foundation is titillation and flirtation; pheromones and heart palpitations. nnPassion Love is demonstrated through touching, hugging, and loving. Passion lovers are strongly attracted to, and even fascinated with, their love object. So strong is their desire that every peccadillo is seen through rose-colored glasses, to be either cherished or forgiven.nnPassion Love is often viewed as the only true love, and it is the foundation of most marriages in America. As fast as it starts, and as furiously as it burns, familiarity and sameness starve this love of the oxygen it needs to burn brightly. Five to seven years into a loving relationship, passion love has often dimmed to a faint glow. Many experts believe that this is why most marriages that are going to fail, do so in the first seven years. Once the flame goes out, many couples find themselves with little other love to further gird the relationship. For this reason, the importance and value of intimate love cannot be underestimated.nnNow rate your relationship from 1 to 10 (1= absent; 10=excellent) for its level of Passion Love. _____nnLove #2: Intimate LovennSteve and Lucinda can talk for hours. Steve enjoys her company and has trouble enjoying a trip or a major social function without her. They are buddies who share the turmoil and triumphs of life.nnIntimate Love, also referred to as Friendship Love, is a comfortable fit that develops and entwines slowly. Often it is not recognized until it has fully matured, and even then, its meaning and significance may be underestimated or overlooked. nnAs passion love is a sharing of every physical nook and cranny, intimate love is a sharing, and attraction to, cerebral nooks and crannies. It is continuously enjoying the other's company and talking until the wee hours of the morning. You cannot wait to share your hopes, troubles, turmoil and struggles with them. Or, perhaps you simply rest easier when they are with you.nnIntimate Love is often underrated or unnoticed. The "good friend" who is always there for you and with whom you can discuss everything. In many parts of the world, it is recognized that this love must be the foundation of a marriage. Passion love - while great fun - is viewed as too unstable and ephemeral to underlie a marriage that is the nucleus of the family. nnNow rate your relationship from 1 to 10 on its level of Intimate/Friendship Love: _____nnLove #3: Commitment LovennEsai and Edie have been married for years, and Esai is determined to maintain the marriage despite their recent troubles. When he said “I Do," he truly meant forever.nnCommitment Love is safety and security. It is determination to ride out the rough spots. It is recognition that passion and intimacy will ebb and flow, so there must be a strong foundation that resists the wear and tear of a relationship. It is the pillar of love on which the relationship must rest as the other expressions of love are improved, repaired or perhaps rebuilt.nnCommitment Love is expressed through the public display and ceremony that declares your union. In private, it is reassurance of the importance and primacy of the relationship. Commitment love is holding hands in public, staying beside each other despite temptation and maintaining little rituals, such as the goodbye kiss. It is being willing to discuss issues important to the maintenance of the relationship, talking about your future together, and withholding verbal abuse no matter how upset you are with the other person.nnCommitment Love alone is barren, but it is often what sees a couple through their most turbulent times. It is the glue that maintains and assures a 50-year relationship.nnNow rate your relationship from 1 to 10 on its level of Commitment Love. _____nnBuilding and Restoring LovennDid you rate any Love less than four? Better get to work! Two ratings less than four? Uh oh, stop that downward spiral before it is too late! Three ratings less than four? Is there anything left to save? Have you identified a Love area that you would like to improve? Here are some ideas for improving your Love lives, based on the area in which you and your significant other might be struggling. All suggestions assume a willing and cooperative partner. nnPassion Maintenancen• Ask your partner what they found sexy about you when you first met (for example, clothes, perfume/cologne, attitude, cleanliness, etc.) and do it as often as possible. n• Invite your partner out on a date.n• Take a vacation together (just the two of you).n• Seduce your partner.n• Play a sex board game and follow the instructions.n• Hide a love note where they can discover it.n• Find a new, exciting place to make love.n• Read a book on lovemaking and practice some of the techniques.n• Give your partner a romantic gift (flowers, chocolates, etc.).n• Write a love poem for your lover.n• Practice daily nonsexual touching (holding hands, snuggling, hugging)nnFriendship Maintenancen• Find an area of mutual interest and, together, join a respective club/organization.n• Pick a hobby you can do together, and do it at least one night a week.n• Take a class together.n• Sign up for a marriage/relationship-building workshop/retreat.n• Ask your partner what they did today, listen closely to their answer and discuss (repeat daily).n• Tell your partner how proud of them you are.n• Thank your partner for all they do for you.n• Tell them how much the relationship means to you.n• Volunteer for a cause you both care about.nnStrengthening Commitmentn• Get married.n• Renew your wedding vows.n• State your love and commitment in a letter or on a card.n• Create a romantic scrapbook that documents the relationship.n• Increase your time and attention to the relationship.n• Reminisce, and bring up romantic memories.n• Plan an anniversary celebration.nnn1 Sternberg, Robert J. "A Triangular Theory Of Love," Psychological Review, 1986, Vol. 93, No. 2, 119-135.nn© 2008 Dr. Charles A. Howardn(BigBrotherChuck.com)n