Make Love, Not War: Steps to a Financially Healthy Marriage

No matter how much you love your spouse, at times even the best of marriages can get a bit toxic. We all go through periods when we feel as though our partners aren’t listening to us, or don’t care what we have to say anyway. One of the prime reasons couples fight is different takes on the household finances. This is too bad, because there is really no reason if you just learn to communicate in a clear, non-offensive and calm way. Take an evening off from the social scene to straighten out the following four questions, and you just may find that it gets a tad bit easier to breathe.

Who Pays for What?
For some couples, all the income comes from one spouse, so logically that spouse pays for everything. But today, more and more households have two sources of income. Investigate how much either partner makes and spends, and make a spreadsheet outlining who should cover what. It may sound petty and sad, but the amount of headaches, spats and frustration it will save you in the long run far outweighs the cons.

What Are Your Financial Goals?
If you and your spouse are constantly arguing about money, it may be because you have different financial goals. If this is the case, don’t sweat. If you both lay your cards on the table, you can compromise and find some middle ground. If you want to save up enough money to stay home and care for a child while your spouse wants to start a business, perhaps you could both hang on to part time jobs while creating time for the things you want. Similarly, if you want to travel the world while your partner wants to save up for a down payment for a home, perhaps you can push the house shopping off for another year, if you promise to take on an extra job when you return from your travels. The key is not to have the exact same financial goals, because that rarely happens. Instead, learning to talk about these things and finding compromises that work for both of you is what’s going to make you grow as a couple.

How Much Discretionary Spending Is OK?
Your spouse’s dumping thousands of dollars into high tech gizmos may be driving you nuts. Or your spouse might freak out every time you hit up a gourmet restaurant with your friends, or purchase a new designer handbag. Just as the case with the financial goals above, it is unrealistic to expect to have the exact same view of how much money should be spent on what. Instead, set up separate budgets for discretionary spending and stick to them. Completely giving up control over the $400 per month or whatever your spouse can now spend at his or her leisure may break your heart at first. But on the flip side, he or she can’t argue with how you spend your $400 either.

What is your risk tolerance?
If your spouse’s view of quality of life is being an entrepreneur, constantly launching businesses of which some will succeed and some will fail, leaving him or her with huge fluctuations in income, and your goal in life is to have a fat bank account, a steady paycheck, a huge house and a family, you may have a problem. Fortunately, it can be solved. Just as in the cases above, if you find out what your spouse wants, and let him or her know what you are passionate about, you can compromise and find solutions that land you somewhere in the middle.