Marriage S.O.S.

"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't somethingrnyou get. It's something you do. It's the way you love yourrnpartner every day." -Barbara De Angelis There's a lot of husband bashing going on. When it comesrnto childcare and chores around the house, husbands arernoften referred to as "lazy, incapable" and are accusedrnof "just not getting it." One of my friends even saidrn"Husbands! Are they really this dumb or do they justrnpretend?" The countless stories seem so similar inrnnature that I often wonder if we're all married to the samernman! Let's explore this "infuriating" behaviour. Believernit or not, our husbands aren't always to blame. Pull outrnyour compact and take a good, long look. It's time tornface the truth and realize that we are often responsiblernfor the type of husband we have. Read on, because these 6rnmarriage tips might just be the help you've beenrnsearching for. When our husbands are on "child duty", we tend tornswoop in and save the day at the first sign of distress. rnAnd with good reason. We can do it faster, better andrnsmarter, right? Maybe so, but in the process, it enables ourrnhusbands. We let them off the hook and then resent themrnlater. In their eyes, they can't ever seem to get it rightrnso why should they bother trying?  Marriage Tip #1- Give up some of the control. Your husbandrnmay have come from a family where his Dad didn't havernanything to do with childcare, so he didn't have a veryrngood role model. At least he's making an effort. If itrnmeans he feeds your child/ren cheerios for dinner, orrntakes the kids out while they're still dressed in theirrnpj's, so be it. Give him room to parent his way. It makes himrnfeel important and frees up time for you. Choose yourrnbattles and stop nit picking. Men aren't known for their mind reading skills. Half therntime you tell them what you want and they still don'trnget it right. A lot of moms don't voice their concernsrnbecause they don't want to add more pressure or burden onrntheir husbands. If you try and protect his feelings, you'rernsacrificing your own. And in the end, you'll be bitterrnand angry and he'll be no better off. Marriage Tip #2- Communicate often. Be very clear aboutrnyour needs, wants and desires. Talk about what's workingrnand what needs to change. Give him the same chance to talkrnabout his feelings and what he needs. Listen to each otherrnand make a point to keep the lines of communication open.rnSet aside time every week to check in and make sure thatrnall is good in your world. There are a lot of moms who feel resentful becausernthey're struggling to do it all and still don't feelrnlike their husbands consider it hard work. Some moms thinkrntheir spouses have it easier because they get to leave thernhouse and get a break from the chaos. The truth is, bothrnjobs are challenging. Moms need to recognize that Dadsrnhave a lot of pressure too. They work hard and are stressedrnout just trying to provide a certain lifestyle for thernfamily. Most Dads today are also more hands on and involvedrnwith their kids. Plus they still want to be good husbands. Marriage Tip #3- Support each other. Stop competing forrnwho has the harder job. Realize that you're bothrncontributing in your own ways and are both vital tornproviding a healthy home environment. Ask about his day andrnlisten without judgment or anger. If you feel like you'rernnot getting the support you need from him, let him know andrnexplain what he needs to start doing. Motherhood is a thankless job. Babies thank you in thernform of a burp and if we don't constantly remind ourrntoddlers to say please and thank you, we'd never hear it.rnOur hard work and dedication often goes unnoticed by ourrnhusbands too. But when was the last time you thanked orrnacknowledged your spouse for all that he does? He also needsrnto feel validated and important. Marriage Tip #4- Give thanks. Make a point ofrnacknowledging all the effort that your husband is making.rnThe operative word is effort. Remember his way may not bernyour way, but recognize that he's trying. Praise himrneffectively like you would a child. So instead of justrnsaying "thanks", say "Thanks for giving Jack a bathrntonight. It gave me the few minutes I needed." Once hernfeels like he's being acknowledged, he'll want to dornit more and start to recognize your efforts too. And if herndoesn't, let him know that's what you need to hearrnevery now and then. You're tired, spread so thin you're almost transparent,rnand all you want to do is get into your flannel pj's andrngo to bed. ALONE! Understandable. But when this becomesrnyour routine day after day, those days turn into weeks,rnthen months and sometimes years. Marriage Tip #5- Make your relationship a priority.rnSchedule a date night at least once a month. Open a bottlernof wine after the kids are asleep and talk about yourrndays. Making time for each other is not only important forrnyou and your spouse, it's vital for your child/ren. It givesrnthem a healthy blueprint of what a solid relationship looksrnlike. Plus it's a lot easier to get through all thernchallenges of parenthood when your marriage isn't one ofrnthem. We may think our spouse has really high expectations ofrnus, but often, it's just a projection of what we expect ofrnourselves. Having unclear or unrealistic expectations addsrnunnecessary pressure. We take on all sorts of rolesrnbecause we feel that's what makes us a "good mom" or arn"good wife." But in who's eyes? Marriage Tip #6- Make your expectations clear. Talk torneach other about what you expect. Divide the chores andrnchildcare duties together so you're each on the same page.rnIf you're going out or away for the weekend, write outrneverything you want him to do. Don't assume he knowsrnjust because you think he should. This will ease the tensionrnand anxiety on both your parts. Action Challenge. Take an honest look at your relationship. What areas needrnimprovement? What do you have to do to make positivernchanges? Try to see things from his point of view and helprnhim understand yours.