Parenting: Getting What You Want

Do you often ask yourself, “How do I get what I want from my kids?” Or “Why do I feel so many times I’m at odds with my children?” Well, read on to find out how understanding the meaning of two simple words, respect and co-operation can be the first step to getting you closer to what you want from your kids every time!

Take a moment and ask yourself the question, “What are the two things I wish I had above all else from my kids?”
Think back to that little voice yelling in your head in the midst of an argument with your child. What was it saying? Did it sound something like, “I really want more respect and co-operation!”

Many parents think getting respect from their children “should be” expected with no argument. After all, as a mother or a father you provide food, shelter and safety, along with love and attention. So why the constant fights and frustrations?

As the saying goes, “All I want is a little respect!”

To find the respect and co-operation that are basic needs for all of us you must first be clear about what these words mean to you.

The Co- of Co-operation!

Let’s start with the word co-operation. What is co-operation for you?

To help you decide on a working definition, think back to various statements you’ve said to your child about things you’ve wanted them to do around the house.

Have you ever said something like, There are always dirty clothes on the floor of your room, pick them up before you go out with your friends.

Seems like a simple request any parent would ask of their child, right? Then why is it that your daughter didn’t hop right up and sing a little tune while she picked up her clothes?

Stating it in this way requires your daughter to follow your time frame and standards. You have not considered your child’s point of view.

In our book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, we write, “When you neglect to consider your child’s point of view, you do so at the risk of losing her respect and goodwill. Your child’s grumbling resistance is, in effect, a natural consequence of your choice to operate without her input.”

Our definition, of co-operation is to work together. It starts with the co- in co-operation, which means together, as in co-worker or co-author. Oper means to work, so co-operate means to work together.

When there is no togetherness in the operation of a home, as in mutual agreement about the rules of the house along with mutual problem solving and decision making, then it follows there will be resistance, arguments, hurt feelings and a constant battle of wills.

Looking through the eyes of co-operation, the statement above: There are always dirty clothes on the floor of your room, pick them up before you go out with your friends, offers you and your child an opportunity to negotiate when the clothes will be picked up to the mutual satisfaction of all involved.

This is a great time to explain to your child why picking up her room is important to you. Your need is possibly for cleanliness and order and that picking up will address that need.

Chances are if your child understands that you have a need behind your statement and not just a demand, they will be more willing to co-operate.

The resistance, arguments and hurt feelings will be a thing of the past.

And now for the Respect!

Once you have established co-operation between you and your child, respect is a natural result.

Just as you did with the word co-operation, you need to be clear about what you mean when you say you want more respect from your children. Does this mean you want your children to be willing to listen and learn from you? Do you want your son to have some understanding of your circumstances, needs and to see your point of view? Or do you think your child should follow directions with no questions asked?

In our book we start with the core meaning of the word respect, which is to look. Okay… but to look at what? We suggest that “to respect another person is to look at what they are experiencing- in particular, to look with respect to their present feelings and needs.”

When you look at your child, you can choose to focus on their behavior from your point of view, from what you want and from your judgments. Or you can shift a bit and look at them from their point of view with respect to their feelings and needs.

Going back to the example of clothes on the floor of your daughter’s room, when you say “Your room is a mess, clean it up now”, you are putting your attention on what you think your child is doing wrong .

Parenting that focuses on what’s wrong with children or what’s wrong with their actions suggests the only way to deal with the situation is to scold them, make them feel bad or use threats or punishment to motivate them to act differently.

If these are the ways you have been dealing with your children thus far, it’s time to ask yourself, “How’s that working for you?”

Needs: Making a one way street into a two way highway moving toward what you want

We point out in Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, that “no matter how crazy your child’s actions may seem to you, from tugging on your pant leg to yelling, hitting you or throwing a toy, all that your child is trying to do in that moment is fulfill a need.”

The need might be for attention, consideration, or having choice in the matter. All of these of course are needs you have at certain times too.

Hitting or throwing a toy might not be how you like your child to express their needs, but you have a better chance of connecting with your child and helping them find a new way, if you recognize the need he is trying to meet in the moment.

The co-operation and the respect that follows when looking at everyone’s needs first, is a two-way street. When you scold, blame and punish your child without first trying to understand the underlying need they are trying to express, you are going down a one way street the wrong way.

Just stopping and considering their needs too, changes that one lane road into a two-way highway where mutual co-operation and respect flow smoothly back and forth.

We realize that it takes more understanding and a few more skills than we have time to share in an article to really feel comfortable with developing true co-operation and respect with your children.