Perfectionism and Mental Health

Could I have a perfect life?

We want things to be perfect. Not too much to ask is it?

We’re planning a night out with friends, or a party for the kids or a holiday and we just want it to be perfect.

We want the perfect partner, the perfect job. Yet isn’t it strange how often someone who is really stressed, someone who is destroying themself – their body, mind, happiness, relationships – excuses themself by saying something like:

“I can’t help it, I’m a perfectionist.”

Ornn“I won’t be satisfied unless it’s perfect.”

Maybe you say such things yourself.

Then you get the person who makes life a living hell for every one else because they are never satisfied, they always demand more from people they work with. They shout and insult, they exploit anyone they have any power over. And when they’ve got what they want, they say:

“You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a perfectionist you see.”

As if that makes it all OK….!

Maybe you’ve found that your excuse for putting yourself and others under enormous stress sounds something like that….

You wouldn’t be the first!

So what is this ‘perfect’ we’ll never be satisfied unless we reach?

What is the ‘perfect’ that ‘perfectionists’ will make such a fuss about?

I hate to say it, but it doesn’t exist.

What is the perfect night out? Is it a night out when, if any little thing was changed, would be less than perfect, would be ruined? A night out where nothing could possibly be different? The peak-of-your-life night out? The night out that can never be bettered and probably never be equalled?

What’s the perfect holiday? You’d better hope that it’s the last holiday you ever take, because if you’ve experienced perfection, everything afterwards is going to be second rate.

That’s the problem with perfection – not only does it not exist – but if we ever think we’ve found it, everything afterwards is a pale imitation. We find that the best moments of our life are in the past, it’s all downhill from here.

Sometimes you have to laugh at the things we do to ourselves! We put ourselves under entirely useless stress trying to achieve the impossible (perfection) and if we ever fool ourselves into thinking we’ve achieved it, we make for ourselves a lifetime of permanent disappointment.

When you look at it like that, maybe ‘being a perfectionist’ is not such a smart choice after all.

The reality is this – there are many great ways to have a night out, many great jobs, many great potential partners, many great holidays. Just about everything is a mixture of the wonderful and the terrible and the most important thing in any of this is how we react to things, not what the things are in the first place.

There’s pleasure to be found inside things that, on balance, aren’t that great – if you know how to look for it

If you can’t afford an expensive holiday, why not do something that you can afford and find out what is great about doing it. I’m not talking about putting up with second best, I’m talking about really enjoying what exists for you in your life, instead of making yourself miserable and stressed by failing to achieve what you can’t manage right now.

For one thing you’ll be happier. For another, if you clear away this useless stress you will start to see how to make the big changes in your life and perhaps that will help you achieve your dreams much less stressfully.

Let me be as blunt as I can be here – if you hold to ideals of ‘perfection’ and if you hold onto an image of yourself as a ‘perfectionist’, you are condemning yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness, disappointment and stress.