Quiet, Please

I live in a quiet building in a quiet neighborhood. Awakened at 4:15a.m. by a racket, I couldn’t help but notice it was unusual. A couple was engaged in a squall and had no qualms about sharing it with neighbors when they took it into the hallway. Based on what I overheard, if that relationship isn’t over, it more than likely should be. It wasn’t the actual context of what I heard or its venue that got most of my attention, but the other aspects: Lack of respect and integrity for the self and another (and neighbors), ego-based reactions rather than honest responses, and deliberate verbal cruelty.

This made me think of how many of us, in one form or another, have experienced this type of engagement or resisted moving from a no-win situation because a need to change, at least initially, may be as painful as staying where we are. It was obvious these two were locked into emotions since they continued for several hours and never moved anything forward. As is typical, each party attempted to convince the other to behave differently. Unless someone has a sincere desire to change, breath and energy are wasted.

What’s the usual motivation for such engagement? We are conditioned to compete and not lose, to believe losing is bad. What if a loss is actually a win? Maybe you’re aware of the quote made by an athletic coach that’s been circulated: Winning is everything. In a similar vein, there’s a television commercial for hair products airing at this time, where a woman with blonde hair states brunettes are boring and a brunette implies blondes are dim bulbs. It’s a ludicrous competition, at best. Just as some stressors are good for us, so is a level of competition; but, we can shift focus from not losing at any cost and learn to look for the win. To paraphrase author Lauren Frances, “Another’s rejection is your protection.”

Back to our arguing couple. Though I don’t know all the dynamics involved, I will say that based on the part I’m aware of, I sincerely hope she comes to realize she deserves better, meaning that she owes it to herself to accept nothing less. More than likely, her best interests will not be met with this man. This brings two good quotes to mind. The first is by Somerset Maugham: “It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” The other is a German proverb: “What is the use of running when we are not on the right road?”

If you feel that you’re not on your right path or settle for less than you should in any area of your life, maybe give it some conscious thought. Approach this with mindfulness and integrity. If something can be fixed so it’s a win-win, do so. If you have to “lose” in order to win, give that some thought. One thing to consider is if you have head and heart alignment about a choice, you can feel fairly certain you’re making a decision that is appropriate for you.

If we’re going to make life noisy, let’s make it a joyful noise. Otherwise, silence is a good thing, like pausing until you’re sure about what you really want to say when it’s important to do so. It’s far better when people inspire us to listen to what they offer rather than the desire to say, “Quiet, please.”