S.T.E.P. into Step Parenthood

S.T.E.P. Into Step Parenthood

Becoming a stepparent can be a tough role to take on. You are entering a family situation where there was divorce, abandonment or death. The children that may feel neglected, angry, guilty or stay with one parent more than the other. The children may place high expectations on you, believe you are trying to replace their other parent, or view you as a threat to their relationship with the parent you married. However, as an adult who is a head of household, you must exert some form of influence and a presence of authority. Being a good stepparent is well within your control. Being accepted as a good stepparent is not.

Whether your stepchildren are kids or adults, here is how you can S.T.E.P. into step parenthood.

S. - Sensitivity

Be sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of your stepchildren. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see their world through their eyes. How is their relationship with the “other” parent? Do they view you as helping or hurting their relationships with their parents? Do they view you as adding to their lives or intruding upon it?

Understand their perspective, regardless of how hurtful that perspective may be. Each stepchild will have a different perspective of you. Remember that their perspective is their reality. That perspective may be built upon their projection of their fears, doubts, hopes and dreams. Were you a stepchild? If so, think about all of the fears, doubts, hopes and dreams you had about your new stepparent. This projection of their thoughts in the lack of evidence to the contrary, becomes their reality.

Also, know that you cannot control how your stepchildren feel. While you do not have control, you do have the ability to influence their perspective through consistent and stable behavior. Let them know that you love them, regardless of how they feel about you. Show them love, even when they may make it difficult to do so. Allow them the space to choose to come to you without feeling as if you are forcing yourself on them. Trust takes time to build and respect takes time to earn.

T. – Team

You and your spouse are a team. Your spouse should be responsible for disciplining their children and you should discipline yours. By keeping this simple rule, you will eliminate a lot of anger at one another over the children. It’s your job to discuss with your spouse their children’s behavior and your opinion on how things should be dealt with. However, it is the responsibility of your spouse to move forward with the discipline. While you stand together as a united front, your spouse should do the talking when it relates to his/her children, and you should do the talking when it relates to yours.

As a team, it is important that you treat your spouse with the utmost respect. The children will pick up on how much or how little you are respecting your spouse and may follow your example. You may get mad at your spouse and say things you wouldn’t normally say, just to apologize and have everything be ok the next day. However, children will not forget. Your stepchildren may, in that moment, change their perspective about you towards the negative. They may feel a need to protect their parent from you or to somehow seek revenge against you. Watch what you say and do. Your children are watching and learning from it.

E. – Emotional Control

Let’s face it, you may find yourself in a situation where you are doing everything right, and your stepchildren treat you horribly. The friends and family of your spouse, and your stepchildren’s other parent may not treat you the way you want them to treat you. On top of all of that, your spouse may not be doing enough to support you and defend your position in the family hierarchy.

It is in these times that you must remember that other people’s opinion’s of you do not define you, unless you allow them to. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “no one can hurt your feelings without your permission”, so don’t allow the thoughts of others to hurt your feelings. Sometimes, stepchildren lash out. They wished that the relationship between their parents never ended. Sometimes friends and family of your spouse lash out. They may miss the presence of your stepchildren’s other parent or may be angry that the relationship ended for religious reasons. The other spouse may lash out. You may be viewed as a threat to their ability to be a good parent, or they may secretly wish things worked out with your spouse.

A lot of the anger your stepchildren, and others, have towards you has nothing to do with you or anything that you did. Many times, your presence alone is enough of a reminder about what happened and what could have been. Have the self-esteem to see the truth in these moments and become a part of the solution, not a part of the problem. Develop the emotional control to resist the temptation to play this game, lash out in return, and give them a reason to be even more difficult towards you later.

Put your focus on your behavior, your thoughts, and your approach to the family. Address the lashing out calmly, assertively and with love. Remind your spouse often that his/her help is needed, and remain in control of your emotional state at all times.

P. – Personal Authority

A great definition of personal authority is the ability to persuade others to want to do what you want them to do. We all know someone that when he/she speaks, everyone listens and obeys though there was not threat, force, or fear-based rhetoric to motivate. These are individuals with strong personal authority.

The key to personal authority is confidence. When you make requests or statements with confidence, you are taken more seriously. You want to speak to your stepchildren (and children for that matter) with personal authority. Speak calmly, assertively, and with the attitude that they want to do what you are stating they will do. If you have to yell or use fear to motivate action, then you are not exhibiting personal authority.

When you make a request and your stepchildren do what is asked of them, be sure to reward them. What gets rewarded gets repeated. So be consistent. Don’t reward bad behavior. Examples of potential rewards for a child can be candy, an extra 30 minutes before bedtime, or a trip to their favorite fast food restaurant. Examples of potential rewards for a teenager might be extra time out, allowing more friends over, or the keys to the car. When you reward good behavior or compliance with your requests, your stepchildren will be eager to please you the next time as well!

Define success as your ability to do the best you can with what you have each and every day. If you define success as other people’s happiness, then not only will you not control them, but you will not have control over your own happiness.