Self Esteem: Friend or Foe?

Much has been written about self-esteem. But if we would like to give a simple definition of what self-esteem is, a definition that everyone can immediately relate to, what would that be? Self-esteem is our gut feeling about our Self. It is an inner condition that accompanies us wherever we go and whatever we do. It is how much we like our Self, how much we love our Self, how much we honor our Self and how well we are aligned with our Self. It is our inner estimation of our Self as a totality, as a human being. It is a deeper, emotional estimation of our worth and worthiness. When people have healthy self-esteem they feel full inside. They feel centered, they feel good about themselves, they feel whole. They feel grounded. They feel secure.

Self-esteem does not depend so much on other people's opinions, neither is it affected so much by exte
al events, nor by passing feelings or reactions. A person may be sad, and still have self-esteem. A person may lose his job and still have good self-esteem. A person may be rejected and still have good self-esteem. A person may be abandoned, betrayed and still have self-esteem. A person may be mistreated, humiliated, insulted by others and still have good self-esteem. When we have healthy self-esteem we base this inner estimation on our own feelings, judgments and thoughts about who we are. Most importantly, we love ourselves unconditionally. Unconditionally - this is the magic word for healthy self-esteem.

Loving ourselves unconditionally means a lot of things. It means approving of ourselves in our totality, respecting and caring about ourselves. It does not mean that we are arrogant, self-righteous or self-centered at the expense of others, but it does mean self-alignment about a healthy, steady, constant axis. Our own. It means being open and non-defensive. It means being able to recognize our mistakes, it means being flexible, being able to change, being in touch with our feelings. It also means having esteem for others: it means respecting others and accepting their individuality and differentness too.

Trouble begins when we do not have healthy self-esteem. Basically, what happens then, is that we do not feel good within ourselves no matter what is happening exte
ally in our lives. Something within is dissatisfied, lacking, forever hungry for exte
al input, which, however, does not change things inside much overtime.

There is a big hollow inside, a big emptiness which we carry around with us whatever we do and wherever we go. We may have perfectly "happy" lives and still have low self-esteem. We may be successful, but still have low self-esteem. In fact, a lot of people have gone after success to improve their self-esteem, only to discover that it did not improve after all. The emptiness did not get filled. The lack, the hunger did not go away. Success, material possessions, accomplishments, fame did not do the job. Having lots of people around us, flattery, applause, admiration did not do the job either. In fact, the hunger is more aroused, the void inside is felt more poignantly, the need for exte
al nurturing grows stronger, and so does despair, depression, meaninglessness, hopelessness. The more we feel this way the more we go after those exte
al pick-me-ups, we become addicted to outside sources, to outside means of feeling full, complete. We turn to booze, to drugs, to promiscuous sex, more success, more money, but in vain, we really cannot escape our inner sense of emptiness. Or we give up, withdraw, shrink our lives and tolerate living like a life prison-term.

Are there only these extreme totally opposite conditions of self-esteem? Is it an all-or-nothing quality within the personality? Obviously, there are degrees of healthy or unhealthy self-esteem. Because our self-esteem is really based on our very early days, months and years of our development and is based on a great variety of factors, which would all have to be "perfect" for "perfect" self-esteem to be built, even people with good self-esteem, may have bigger or smaller "holes" in it, little empty "pockets" created by nurturing failures of the environment, deprivations of varying degrees and our own reactivity to them. Nobody has totally healthy self-esteem and nobody has totally unhealthy self-esteem

Can psychotherapy really help people with unhealthy self-esteem? It certainly can. In fact, it is a major area in which therapy can produce very good results, but for them to be real, significant and lasting it is a procedure that requires quite some time and it is more self-expressive and self-reflective, at least in the beginning, and less "practical" or "action-oriented". Self-esteem is based on how much love we received as babies, how much love we received in the form that WE, as unique organisms, as unique nervous systems, as unique temperaments, NEEDED. For self-esteem to be restored to health, therapy must locate those "holes", those "pockets" of deprivation, frustration, etc. which created feelings of loneliness, vulnerability and being in a void, in the infant, and to a great extent fill them by providing a "corrective" experience in the here-and-now.

Copyright (c) 2008 Ismini Apostoli