Start Now to Change Your Bad Relationship Habits

Habits. We've all got them. Some of our habitual ways are beneficial and others can limit or even harm us. Couples can also fall into habits or tendencies in their relationship. It might be the assumptions you each tend to make about one another. It could be the habitual ways you two usually communicate. When your relationship habits create distance and disconnection, it's time to take a deeper look at the habits that have developed and make some changes. We're calling this type of disconnecting tendencies “bad habits.” This doesn't mean that you or your partner is “bad” or to blame. Instead, it is the effect that is bad, or undesired. Try not to get caught up in a good/bad way of thinking and, instead, keep your focus on what's happening now in your relationship and what you'd like to have happen differently. Many times, when a couple-- or an individual-- is faced with a bad relationship habit, it seems difficult to make changes that are lasting and effective. It could be that this particular habit has been in the making since you two started dating and it's become quite entrenched in how you tend to interact with one another. The habit seems so huge and fixed that neither you nor your partner feel able to make the change-- even if you know you need to and want to. It's kind of like the scientific law pertaining to momentum. Isaac Newton's first law of motion (put in general terms) says that an object in motion, will stay in motion unless it is acted upon by another force. We're not going to attempt to discuss physics or laws of motion here. But we do see parallels with this assertion and what tends to happen in relationships. When you're moving along with your partner and the two of you have developed a bad relationship habit, that limiting way of interacting will undoubtedly remain until it is interrupted. To change a bad relationship habit, you need to interrupt its momentum! nnRecognize the direction you are going. The first step in changing a bad relationship habit is to literally realize that the habit has developed in the first place. When you notice that you feel distant from your mate, take a look at what's been going on both within yourself and between you and your partner. Chances are, once you get an idea of what's disturbing your connection, you will probably see that it's part of a pattern the two of you have fallen into. If you don't like the way it makes you feel, then pay attention to that. Too often, we brush aside our emotions because we don't think we have time to deal with them or we don't want to trouble our mate about them or we really don't want to cause further problems by stirring things up in our relationship. None of these reasons for ignoring how you feel and what you are perceiving will help you move closer to your mate. In fact, pushing down feelings can add to the momentum of that bad relationship habit. nnInterrupt the habit and change direction. After recognizing that a tendency you and your mate have fallen into in your relationship is moving the two of you further apart, it's now time to change your direction. You can interrupt the bad habit by choosing to respond differently than you usually do in a particular situation. For example, if you tend to get jealous when your mate talks with members of the opposite sex, you could pause before making your usual comments that express your jealousy. Instead, you might interrupt your own jealous thoughts and ask yourself what will help you feel better about this situation and bring you closer to your mate at the same time. This could include questioning the assumptions you might be making in your mind. It could also include making agreements with your partner that will help you stay connected. While it's not essential that you go through this process with your partner, it can be very beneficial to do so. Share with your mate your intention to be closer and create a plan together that will help you both shift away from the bad habit and toward a new, desired one. Whatever the change is, put your energy into that new way of interacting. Remember Newton and his law about momentum. When you create enough momentum toward the new direction, old habits can easily fall away allowing you and your partner to love one another more deeply and freely.