The One Night Stand At Midlife

Is the “one night stand” at midlife the same thing it was when we were in our twenties? The answer might be YES for some who are very freshly out of a marriage or long-term relationship … but for most of us at midlife, I think the answer is NO. I believe the definition of the term “one night stand” changes with age – or at least it has for me. This article explains the “one night stand at midlife”, and highlights why this phenomenon sometimes occurs. I finish up with a list of some common characteristics that I have found in "one night stand" type of midlife relationships - so you may know what to watch for.

Differences from our early Twenties
When I was in my early twenties, “one night stand” meant that you met someone (likely at a bar or party), had sex with them that night – and then never talked to them again. We have a lot of hormones raging within us in our early twenties … plus people in that age bracket are less likely in general to make what I would say are good life choices (which means they make spur-of-the-moment decisions with little regard for the future). I can say that during my own early twenties, I did not have very many of these so-called “one night stands” – but I did have what I currently call “shelf life issues” with respect to women that I dated … which means a typical girlfriend in that era only lasted maybe a month or two for various reasons.

Midlife One Night Stand – Short Shelf-Life Issues?
Fast forward to midlife … which for this website means ages 35 to 55-ish. At age 43, I’ve had the same girlfriend for several years now – but before she arrived, there was at times somewhat of a flurry of personal activity that occurred. And some of that flurry could be interpreted as a “one night stand” by some – but really if it happened that way, it was not at all intentional. What I mean is that there were some women that I met, and went out with several times … and who I wound up having sex with. But for different reasons, it became very obvious to me very quickly that they were not someone I wanted to keep around for very long. And so I cut them loose extremely quickly. In some cases, I cut them loose after having sex with them once. In other cases, it was after having sex with them several times. I didn’t break up with any of these women for having “bad sex” … as I’m a man, and there is no such thing as “bad sex”. In all cases, I dumped them more for something they said or did … some behavior pattern they exhibited that I decided I really didn’t like. I believe the older we get, the faster and easier it is for us to recognize what we like and don’t like in a girlfriend. And so it is often easier for us to know that we won't want a particular person to be around for a long time. In situations like this, I personally prefer to cut my losses versus lead someone on. So the term “one night stand” in midlife could be defined by some as an “extremely short shelf-life relationship” … referring to several dates, but involving sexual contact at least once, and maybe as many as several times.

Illustration of Super-Short Shelf Life Scenarios
Okay – so let’s go through some examples … all from roughly two years or so prior to my current girlfriend. There was Debbie – a blonde who I had met, and who was just a little bit chunky. Debbie seemed to be really interested in dating me … and we men generally find that super attractive. On our first date, I took Debbie to dinner on a weeknight at a fairly middle-of-the-road type Mexican restaurant … which I did because I really just wanted to get to know her as a person. If I don’t know someone really well, I usually prefer to do fairly casual things when first dating ... and absolutely not (for example) show up with bunch or roses or similar … not my style. [A woman has to earn her roses, in my mind. ha ha ha] Anyway, Debbie and I had a few margaritas, and enjoyed one another’s company over dinner, etc. When we got out to the car, she virtually attacked me in the front seat ... it turned into a heated makeout session, and I honestly thought that we were going to have sex in the parking lot. But no – she shut things down after having heated them up ... she said she didn’t want to have sex with me on our first date. Of course, the next thing out of my mouth was “So what are you doing this Saturday?” You can pretty much guess the next sequence of events. She went out with me on Saturday, and then we wound up at my place ... her clothes came off, and there it was. To her credit, she had a Brazilian wax job – which I found extremely entertaining.

At the time of starting to date Debbie, I was very busy at work ... traveling all over Southern California via the freeways ... traffic ... heavy 60+ hour/week workload, etc. The week after our Saturday romp, Debbie was all over my cell phone ... she was calling me three or four times a day, and (when I answered) she would tell me a lot of naughty things. This was entertaining for about one day – and then it became annoying. I tried to explain to her that I was really busy, and that she needed to give me some space until later in the week – but no. By Wednesday of that week, I had decided she was a nut case ... and I stopped returning her calls. By Saturday, she had left me a handful of hysterical messages. She was done. Her shelf life had expired. She had become somehow an unintentional “one night stand” for me.

Here’s another example – this time with a woman from work at the time named Michelle. Michelle was a really pretty redhead who was very nicely put together. I somewhat knew Michelle because we worked at the same company, but in different yet related departments … so I’d say that we were already friends, and were able to skip the casual first-level dating scenario that I mentioned in the previous example. After our first night out together, Michelle and I wound up back at my place – and things started to happen pretty quickly. Things heated up ... the clothes came off … we started to have sex … and then something weird happened. She started crying, and said she didn’t feel comfortable having sex with me because I had had sex with other women ... and she felt like she would be getting sloppy seconds. Huh? I remember asking her what in the world she was talking about ... because I was a serial dater ... which means I didn’t sleep around … I only had one girlfriend at a time … never multiple partners. I think I had maybe been with three women that year ... and it was November-ish when all of this was happening. To make a long story short, even though we had started to have sex – I didn’t finish ... and the night ended very abruptly and strangely. She wound up feeling bad the next day, and (just like Debbie) started to hammer my cell phone with calls that week. And just like with Debbie, I simply couldn’t take the harassment ... and so I politely told her that I didn’t think we were meant to be with one another. Anyway, I’m still counting this as a “one night stand” because a certain level of sexual contact was achieved … although it was not “finished”. That’s the only time THAT has ever happened to me!

Common Attributes of Super-Short Shelf Life RelationshipsnI could go on with several more examples, but you get the idea. All of these midlife one night stand scenarios share several things in common:

1) I had sex with the woman before I really knew her
2) I had sex with the woman on the first or second date
3) The woman assumed or presumed too much about our relationship in too short of a time
4) The woman would not give me the space I needed in order to get through my work week (which is a very bad sign if it is happening the first week you are involved with someone)
5) The woman turned psycho on me when I did not respond the way she wanted
6) Several of the women that have had such short shelf lives with me happen to have had Brazilian wax jobs … which really doesn’t have anything to do with anything … except that I find that very entertaining, and am now thinking about it as I write this.

Back to the original intent of this article – to explain the phenomenon of "one night stands at midlife". I don’t know if I’ve explained them, but I’ve at least characterized them via items 1) through 6) above. Really at midlife the "one night stand" equates to a relationship that for whatever reason has an extremely short shelf-life. “Short shelf-life relationship” sounds so much better than “one night stand”, too. ;o)