The Relationship Formula

Our relationships tend to be a great source of agony. In particular, we spend a significant amount of time wanting and searching for love, and when we find it, it can be difficult to hold on to. Over half of all marriages end in divorce, and breakups in all other committed relationships can sometimes feel like a divorce. Many that decide to remain in their relationship often feel trapped by it, choosing to live separately in the same house with no resolution in sight to their problems.

If there was an easy to remember formula that you could use to assess your current love relationship, quickly figure out where the problems are, and know what areas need improvement, would you want to know what that formula is?

The Formula

The formula is as follows:nn(Partnership + Passion + Commitment + Communication) – Issues Squared

We will define each of the variables, discuss the values you can assign to each, and then determine how to assess your current relationship.

Please note that this formula can be used for ANY type of relationship (business, parent/child, community organizing, employer/employee, etc). This newsletter will focus on love relationships only. The variables of the formula change depending on what type of relationship you are applying it to. If there is enough interest in this topic, a teleseminar will be announced to delve into it deeper, and to cover all aspects of the formula.

Partnership is the degree to which both people in the relationship work together to achieve the things that are important to that relationship. This may include paying the bills, raising the children, running a business, household chores, church and community events, and anything else that two are in partnership to complete.

Passion is the emotional bond of the relationship, which also gives the relationship life and excitement. Liking, loving, and being attracted to your partner are all major components to passion.

Commitment is the degree to which each person in the relationship is dedicated to remaining with the other, even during the most difficult of times. Being in the relationship is not the same as being committed to continuing the relationship.

Communication is the degree to which each person is open, honest, AND respectful with the other. It’s the willingness to have great communication, as well as the freedom to do so while feeling heard, acknowledged and honored. You will not agree on everything. However, you can agree to disagree without being disagreeable towards one another.

Issues are the real or perceived situations that are or will cause problems in the relationship. Those problems usually come down to money issues, control struggles, betrayal, lack of respect, lack of trust or trustworthiness, and fear of everything from fear of losing your partner to fear of losing interest in your partner. Issues are squared because even when everything else in your relationship is working well, an issue can color your perception of the relationship and cause it to lose value in your eyes. Things can seem far worse than they actually are. Your perception is your view of the relationship, and is therefore your reality of the relationship.

Assessing the Relationship

In order to use the formula, you would rank Partnership, Passion, Commitment, and Communication using the following scale:

0: Poo
1: Fai
2: Averagen3: Mostly Goodn4: Goodn5: Great

Next, you would rank Issues using the following scale:

0: No issues
1: A few or minor issues
2: Some or average issues
3: Several or more than average issues
4: Many or major issues
5: A lot or devastating issues

The very best relationship would look like this:

Partnership = 5
Passion = 5
Commitment = 5
Communication = 5
Issues = 0nn(5 + 5 + 5 + 5) - 0 Squaredn20 – 0
20

The most troubled relationship might look something like this:

Partnership = 0
Passion = 0
Commitment = 0
Communication = 0
Issues = 5nn(0 + 0 + 0 + 0) - 5 Squaredn0 – 25
- 25 (the lowest score you can achieve)

An average relationship might look like this:

Partnership = 4
Passion = 3
Commitment = 4
Communication = 2
Issues = 2nn(4 + 3 + 4 + 2) - 2 Squaredn13 – 4
9

After going through this exercise for your relationship from your perspective as it stands today, Here is how you can assess it:

Scores 20 – 16: Great to Good
Scores 15 – 11: Good to Average
Scores 10 – 6: Average / Needs Work
Scores 5 – 1: Needs Work
Scores 0 and below: Danger Zone

Make It Last Forever

No matter where your relationship calculates out to, there are key things you will need to maintain a great score or to achieve one.

Make sure that you do things to strengthen the partnership in your relationship. Be the best team possible to maintain or create a strong partnership. Be willing to sacrifice for one another, go beyond your own needs and put the needs of the partnership first, and build up your significant other to make them stronger…the stronger your partner is, the stronger you will be together.

Keep or rekindle the passion in your relationship. Remember what it was about your partner that initially attracted you to them. Re-discover that, or pay attention to what attracts you to them now. Do things together as a couple that you both find enjoyable. Spend romantic time together and re-commit to loving your significant other the way they need to see love expressed.

Truly commit to the relationship. Be there equally through the good times and the bad times. Stop wondering if there is someone out there that is better, and commit to being the best for the one you have and love now.

Be open and honest at all times. Talk about your day, your thoughts, your dreams, and express your love for one another. Being open doesn’t mean you are being vulnerable. It means that you trust your partner enough to let them into the deepest parts of who you are.

With issues, always try to keep them in perspective. There are some issues that are simply devastating. There are others that may be minor on their own, but when combined with other issues they seem insurmountable. There are also truly minor issues that become blown out of proportion due to them not being addressed in a timely manner or because of a serious lack in one of the other variables of the formula. In addition, there are some issues that impact you as a team, verses issues that you have with one another. Keep the proper perspective on the issues, work together to address them, as an issue for one is an issue for both. Also, don’t create new issues when solving old ones…solve issues completely.

Remember that the results from this formula are not static. The result can change from day to day, week to week, month to month, and year to year. This formula can also be applied to all sorts of other relationships, which we did not get into here. This newsletter is just skimming the surface of a greater and deeper discussion. For now, experiment with it, improve the areas you can improve, and be the best you can be for the one you love!