The Stumbling Block

Upon reflection, the biggest stumbling block to get a journey started to a life I am happy with was seven little letters. HONESTY.

Over many years I had lied to myself and others, I had been less the honest in dealings with others, and had created a Disneyland in my head which had become a reality. I believed my own crap, and could twist, hide or distort facts in such a way I could tell myself and others things which in my mind were truthful. I was convinced that a number of my acts were honest; rationalization had become an accepted way of life.

Something deep inside did not sit well with this way of life. Call it conscience, call it my soul, call it what you want. There was always a small quiet voice within that made me feel, on an ever decreasing basis, uncomfortable within my own skin. The more I added to Disneyworld, the quieter the voice inside got, OR, the harder I made it to listen.

Along with the negative feelings, it takes a great deal of energy and a good memory to keep track of the distortions and what you said to whom.

Honesty
The biggest word for me in AA (and in life) is "honesty."
I don't believe this program would work for me if I didn't get honest with myself about everything.

Honesty is the easiest word for me to understand because it is the exact opposite of what I've been doing all my life. nn- Experience, Strength and Hope, pp. 400-401
Thought to Ponder . . .Honesty is the absence of the intent to deceive.

It is funny how you can read a simple passage like this and get such a startling “remember when”. While my dishonesty was made worse through excessive use of alcohol, alcohol was not the cause. There are many I meet and works with that have learned to be dishonest with self and others without the use of mood altering substances or behaviours. Today I understand alcohol and other actions were used to quiet the small quiet voice inside which has always been a part of who I am; a voice of honesty and truth which I know today to be a voice of my Higher Power.

I know, with dishonesty, practice helped to make perfect. The same is true with honesty.

Today I have a life that I am happy with and I am comfortable in my own skin. It took work to learn this new behaviour and to bring the good that was always buried within to the fore front. I have learned that in many ways, my journey has led me to a life that is opposite in many ways to the unhappy life I had chosen and developed.

HONESTY with self and others is a cornerstone of my life today. At times it is not the easiest way, but it is the right way to progress for me.

Thoughts on this and your own journey? Share at www.hopeserenity.ca.