There Are Only Three Possibilities for Any Relationship

There are only three possibilities for the future of any relationship:n n Stay as you are.
Change how you are. n Split up.

That's it, there are no other options. So if you can't stand it the way it is and you don't want to go, your only option is change and to quote the oldest idea in therapy "You can't change others, you can only change yourself". If you can't both agree on change then it's down to you.

Yes that may seem unfair, you may be in the right but that will not make any difference. Here are some ideas and questions that may:

It is better to feel love than to feel right.
And sometimes that is the choice, facts rarely changes relationships, being right rarely change feelings, so if you want to experience more love, both giving and receiving forget who is right and concentrate on being loving.

The greatest love.
The greatest love you can show others may sometimes be to leave them alone. This can be the most difficult thing to do for those we care about, particularly when they are going through difficult times and of course it's not always the right approach. It's particularly difficult with children but sometimes the best way to help is just to do nothing.

Snap shots and video.
We have all seen photographs of ourselves that do not do us justice. Usually these are the ones we throw away, we don't see them as being "us". On the other hand a video is more likely to give a more accurate impression of who we are, it is taken over a period of time. Why then do we so often hang on to the snapshot of the careless comment from others, the unintended insult and the harsh word later taken back? So throw these away along with the bad photos. If the words do not fit the usual attitude of the other person then discard them, don't keep the worst, keep the best.

No matter how thin you slice it.
No matter how thin you slice it there are always two sides. It's a good test of your understanding to see if you can explain the position of someone with whom you disagree so they confirm that is how they feel. Try it out and ask the other person to coach you until you get it right. Understanding is not the same as agreement but it is a big step towards resolving differences.

Just because you experience a problem in your relationship it does not mean your relationship is the problem. No one comes to any relationship without a history and while that history may not belong to the relationship it usually affects it. When two histories meet each other the problems that arise get complicated. If you find the same problem in a number of your relationships then you can be fairly sure the problem is you and not the relationship so work on yourself and leave the relationship alone to sort itself out.

Loving someone can be a decision you make.
In the early years love can be a heady mixture of passion and desire, it's exciting, stimulating and for some people this can last for a lifetime. For others such intensity can become too dominating. It's just as valid to make a decision to love someone as it is to be head over heels 'in love'. People are different and there is no right or wrong way to conduct a relationship.

Relationships are a mirror.
Relationships can reflect back to us aspects of ourselves we don't much care for, and then it's easy to blame our partner for how we end up feeling. The image, however distorted, is still ours. You don't have to stay in a relationship that distorts who you are but it can be worth spending time checking the image to see how much of it is a true reflection of yourself. If being with someone, a relative, friend or partner often makes you feel bad and that doesn't happen when you're with other people you may want to ask yourself if you should let this relationship go.

Don't give up being you in order to be with someone else.
Do you look in the mirror and no longer recognise the person you see looking back? Do you find you've given up on your friends. your interests, your beliefs in order to stay in a relationship?
Then it's time to either create significant changes or give serious consideration to getting out.

We teach people how to treat us.
Other people can be so unfair, so judgemental so critical and it's easy to put all responsibility on to others and not look at our own role. If we see ourselves as teachers and other people as our students being taught how to treat us we may get a very different view about our relationships. We may also begin to change our teaching method, our behaviour, so that we get the results that are better suited to our needs.

"There are no learning disabilities, there are only teaching disabilities." (Richard Bandler)

You're supposed to make me happy.
There used to be a cartoon in my counselling room, it showed a couple pointing at each other and sharing the captio
"You're supposed to make me happy." It might just be the biggest myth about relationships, that if you are not happy already, having a relationship will change everything. A better approach is to take responsibility for your own happiness and be willing to share this with your partner.

When you disagree about the present don't bring up the past.
This could be rule No 1 in the book of how to have a constructive argument. It applies to disagreements with your partner, spouse, friend, parent, child, etc.

We all know the phrase "Forgive and forget" and while there's a lot to be said for the first the second idea is often not possible. So you may not be able to forget past differences but that does no mean you should keep reminding yourself or the other party about them.

Not every argument can be resolved to the satisfaction of each of the people involved but throwing the further fuel of past events makes any solution less likely. Now you don't have control over how the other party behaves but you could have control of your responses and you don't have to play the game of past references if you don't want to.

Don't let a small disagreement ruin a big relationship.
For that matter, don't let a small disagreement ruin a small relationship either. It's so easy to attach emotional energy to a minor dispute. Our ego gets involved and what, in the greater scheme of things, is truly of no real importance becomes a matter where our very identity is put on the line.

Does this seem an excessive statement? Well sit in a car with an angry driver when someone cuts him (or her) up. Perhaps you have even been that driver. It's good to stand back and ask ourselves this question: "If I was observing this happening to someone else would I see them as overreacting?"