***Who Are You...Really? (The Masks We Wear in Dating)

As Halloween approaches, funny costumes come to mind. Halloween always seems to bring out the wilder, crazy side of people. They feel free to express themselves during this season because their costume is a shield of armor. Why do people wait until a special occasion for permission to be different?

Whether we are being silly or sinister, we are still the same person inside. Just like in life, we hide behind a mask protecting our vulnerable, insecure self from being exposed. Our main motivation to keep on our masks is the fear that people won’t like us. Not fully believing in ourselves, we think that would reject us or mock us if they really knew us. We are so vigilant about not letting our real self known that are “fake” character is the one that the world sees and judges. The silliest thing of all is that we take it personally when someone doesn’t like our mask!

In my early twenties, I used to pretend that I did not want a relationship. I put on the façade of a carefree, social butterfly. When people got to know me they told me that they couldn’t believe I was actually looking for a relationship. I was afraid to show that “nice family girl” because I thought the guys wouldn’t be interested in me. Of course, the only guys I attracted were the bad boys who were looking for fun. If I would have only expressed my real self, I would have probably had a different experience in dating.

I see people wear their masks in all areas of their life, both personal and professional. When someone hurts us, we sometimes put on the “nothing bothers me” mask because we are afraid of speaking up. Some put on the “I am mean” mask as a defense mechanism to hide their false belief that they are weak and powerless. I have known men who put on the “Cassanova” mask, when deep inside they feared true intimacy. The patterns of the masks were created by us at a very young age to cope with life. The subconscious repeats these behaviors automatically unless we consciously change them.

To step out behind the mask and be willing to be vulnerable is a very scary thing. It may feel like there is an invisible wall that holds you back. That wall is fear. When faced with a situation that you would normally retreat, put away your mask and take a risk. Learning to step out and expressing your true feelings without trying to get a certain reaction or outcome is a freeing experience. Constantly being chained by what other people think or do is very restricting and gives away your power. How the other person reacts is their business and has nothing to do with you. This process helps build your self-esteem and reclaims your power.

The mask is like an old friend that you relied upon all of your life. It may feel a little strange to venture out in the world without it. You can take small steps in expressing your true self, and eventually it will become very natural for you. As you take off your mask, you can give others in your life permission to take off theirs. n