A bitter Pill To Swallow

It’s dark and I have no idea of where I am nothing around me looks Familiar, I can hear voices just out of eye shot. My head feels as if it may explode and I am fighting the urge to throw up. There is a swell of disinfectant hanging in the air which is not helping me much. I sit up in bed and try to take in my surroundings. I was not meant to be here, I had taken the decision to close my eyes for the very last time. I feel cheated; once more any control over my own life had been taken from me. Why could they not just let me go, did they not see that this was the best thing for all conce
ed? By removing the cancer the epidemic would be over. Everyone’s life would revert to the way it had been before I had caused this vast devastation. My life had been the only thing I had left to offer up as a sacrifice. Someone is standing next to me asking if I would like some tea, I can’t even muster the energy to reply. I turn my head into the pillow and cry silent tears; the pain inside of me is the only thing I can concentrate on. I had no where else to fall I had hit rock bottom. I am sure these words hit home with so many of you out there, and sadly we won’t be the last. So let’s talk some more about the fallout after this situation. People say things to you like “you tried to take the easy way out” “you’re too much of a coward to go on living” “your selfish only thinking of yourself” I am sure there are a few other gems out there I have left out, but they all equate to the same thing. These words are said to us by the people we love; because the thought that they may have lost us provokes an angry in them that they are unable to express, or can’t find the words that would make a difference. The truth is there isn’t any coming from that quarter. The answer lies within you. I can tell you here and now, that sitting with a bottle of pills and a bottle of cider was not at all easy, how in the hell can it be? Granted at that time you are not of sound mind, because the pain to go on living is just too much. But that does not make it easy, of that you can take my word. In the cold light of day a fear runs through you like an ice cold dagger, but this is only in hindsight. Driving home hard just how many people you would have hurt, because of your complete and utter break down. What we need to realise is that removing ourselves from the equation was never going to be the answer; the devastation we feel we created will go on, we just won’t be there to see it. So is it bravery to take the so called easy way out? Or take control of your life once more? Having tried the first I can tell you at this time in my life, that it was completely the wrong thing to do, and there will never be a repeat performance from me. My message to you having done both is that living is always going to be harder, but the rewards it brings with it in time are something you don’t what to miss. So when you feel that all is lost and there is no way back for you, dig deep, take an intake of breath, put your best foot forward, the rest will follow on behind. You have so much to give; it may take a little time to realise this, but if you are no longer with us you will never know. ……