A Different Perspective On Victimhood

You hear it all the time. Someone gets angry and dissatisfied with someone else and the person whom they are upset with is the victim. Here is an important question. Why would someone who is happy and content want to abuse another? It just does not make sense. Let's take some less serious examples and move on to more serious abusive incidents.

I have counseled many parents who judge their their children's grades, friends. and activity choices. Some have yelled at their child and the child just shuts down more than they have before which decreases the chances that they will do what the parent wants, and increases rebellious behavior. I have even heard that parents have had fantasies of strangling their children simply because of the grades. While it may seem that the child is a victim of an abusive parent, the parent is making him/herself the victim by being angry and dissatisfied. If the parent handled it in a more caring way than thinking only of what they want, they would not be the victim and the child would more likely work harder and feel better about school. Then there would be no victim.

Sometimes parents just want their child different from what they are. There is the classic example of the son who is good in music and plays the piano but his father wants him to play football because he is a boy. If the son pursues his passion and plays piano and the father seethed with rage who is the victim? In this case the father.

Dissatisfaction is prevalent in relationships and marriages. Imagine the woman wants the man to be able to multitask better and to listen to her more. Even if the man puts forth the effort but does not succeed to her standards he is only the victim if he gets upset with himself. If she continues to be angry and he feels good that he did his best then he is not the victim, she is. They both win if they decide to break up and pursue other people. It might seem sad at first when they break up but it gives them the opportunity to pursue other partners who may be more appropriate.

What about more serious examples, such as a rape victim. Certainly the one who was raped is the victim while they go through the traumatic feelings. However, if they are in therapy they are not the victim because they're getting help and re building their self esteem, happiness, and their life. If the perpetrator is in jail then they are the victim. Even if they get a good atto
ey and are exonerated they must have been unhappy, angry, and frustrated to have committed the offense.

From these examples, you can see that is the person who gets angry and upset. It is not necessarily the person who receive the maltreatment. With some good cognitive therapy a person can learn to not get upset even when someone is trying to give them a hard time. I believe that happiness is a choice. Being the victim is your choice.

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