Active Listening Improves Communication

How many times have you caught yourself walking away from a conversation feeling satisfied that you pounded your idea home? You knew that the other person was perfectly clear on what it was that you were trying to say.

An important concept to remember is that, as Benjamin Franklin said, “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.” You may have been very insistent and you may have even persuaded the other person to grudgingly agree that you may be right, but you have not changed their mind one bit.

For the same reason that a strong wind does not make us take off our coat, but the warm sun does; imposing our opinions on others is probably the worst way to encourage accommodation or cooperation. If you wish to persuade someone, it helps to first be willing to listen to what they have to say. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out that they have some good ideas as well.

Active listening is the best way to help another feel heard and understood. Active listening avoids the conflict escalating attitudes of globalizing, judging, assuming, advising, and get over it already.

Globalizing means saying things like, “you always” or “you never”. Usually these types of statements are untrue and unfair. Rarely does someone always or never do anything. These types of words put people on the defensive and make it difficult for them to actually hear what you have to say.

Criticizing and throwing blame at people does not improve communication. Judging others imply that you know best and that you are entitled to grade their opinions and performance. Try describing a situation or a behavior, rather than evaluating it as good or bad. See the other person as an equal, and their opinions and ways of doing things as valid as your own.

Assuming leads to miscommunication and problems. It is not possible to know for certain how another thinks or feels. It is always best to check to see if what you think your partner is saying or asking, is what they think they are saying or asking. Do not tell your partner what they think or feel, check with them to see if your assumptions are correct.

Unsolicited advice is unappreciated advice. Many times it is best to keep your recommendation to yourself, unless the other person has asked you for advice. If you feel compelled to offer advice, get the other persons permission first.

Sometimes trying to be super supportive can feel like you are saying, “Get over it already.” Trying to cheer the other person up by saying things like, “Don’t worry” or “Everything will be fine” does not help them to feel heard and understood.

Active listening means being patient and drawing the other person out. When you are listening actively you will be making eye contact, looking interested and giving short responses. It is helpful to sum up what the other person has said by putting what you heard them say in your own words. Rather than assuming that you know how they are feeling, check. You could say something like, “It seems to me that you might be feeling . . . ?” Acknowledge and validate their feelings and ask questions to confirm whether you have understood them correctly.

When you listen actively to others, they are much more likely to listen to you. They are also much more likely to actually hear what you are saying and to be more easily persuaded.