Am I Boring You?

Sarah is a rather plain, fifty-something woman with limp, mousey brown hair always pulled back in a pony tail held neatly with an unpretentious brown barrette. She dresses unobtrusively, mostly donning solid-color cotton blouses and dark polyester slacks. Sometimes, rarely, she wears jeans. Not skinny jeans, but those slightly baggy, matronly ones you’d buy at an older woman‘s shop. Like clockwork, she drops by to visit once a week, always late on a Saturday afternoon. She’s sweet as can be, very pleasant to talk to, and we have a lot in common. She grew up in the fifties. I grew up in the fifties. She majored in photography in college. I minored in it. She loves art and music. I love art and music. The list goes on.

So, why is it that the minute she passes through my door, I immediately, uncontrollably, feel a wave of exhaustion wash over me? Before she even crosses the threshold I start to yawn, sucking down air like a drowning sailor.

Could it be I anticipate a boring conversation with this woman? No, I really enjoy talking with her. Could it be that my brain is suddenly deprived of oxygen? Could be, but why only when in the vicinity of this particular woman?

Or, could this sudden wave of irrepressible yawning be something else entirely?

The yawnomena phenomena

I’ve been “studying” the phenomena of yawning for about thirty years. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a scientist, and my research project isn’t in a lab, or any other controlled situation. Along with lots of personal observation, this was a study of the thousands of students I have taught in my inner development workshops. Trust me; this wasn’t something I set out to study. Like getting caught in a flash flood in the middle of a hot August day, it just happened.

It all began when I would be conducting one of my workshops. I started to notice that invariably, when broaching a tough topic to deal with, students would instantly start to yawn. Or, should I say, they would politely stifle their yawns, putting hand over mouth pretending to take a deep breath. Their glazed eyes and inability to remember anything I just said would be the dead giveaway.

At first I took it personally, thinking I needed to liven up my lectures because, obviously, I must be one of those really, really boring teachers. No. I didn’t fit into that category of dry tedium, especially since what could be more interesting than learning about yourself? My lectures are laced with humor, funny stories from my own life, and, without tooting my horn too obnoxiously, I am a pretty engaging speaker. But, I’d guess Mrs. Diamond, my ninth grade physiology teacher, thought memorizing every single bone in the human body (yawn!) was exhilarating for fifteen year olds! Ah, the time we would spend suppressing giggles as we watched her point to that skeleton hanging from a hook in the front of the classroom!

When do we yawn?

Instead of trying to upbeat the rhythm of my classes a la Sesame Street, I decided to use myself as a guinea pig and experiment with this yawnomena. I made a commitment to immediately stop and notice when I would yawn, asking myself what the inner messages were from these spontaneous open mouth reflexes.

Boy-oh-boy did I get messages!

There were actually several variations, but always the same universal theme: “Something About Myself That I Didn’t Want to Admit.” Always. And, the bigger the issue I didn’t want to admit about myself, the more I would yawn. The equation was always precise, even though I rarely wanted to admit the sum.

I noticed some interesting patterns. When someone started talking about finances (particularly mine), my yawn mechanism would open wide. (In fact, I must admit I just yawned typing this sentence!) Listening to someone explain anything high-tech was an instant sleeping pill! If I had a student who irritated me in some way --- maybe they talked a lot or asked tons of questions --- I could barely keep my yawns in check the minute they would say one word.

Whenever I had lunch with my Mother, who was one of those challenging people in my life (okay, the most challenging person in my life!), I would start to yawn the minute I would sit down, desperately needing a nap by mid Caesar salad. I asked myself what was she showing me about myself that I didn’t want to see? Ahem, the list is pretty endless so I won’t bore you with the details (wouldn’t want you to start yawning reading this!), but suffice to say, she was the best mirror of what I didn’t want to admit about myself. A gift that most mothers seem to bestow!

Your yawnometer is always accurate

I have found that the “Yawnometer” is always accurate, and sometimes it takes a deep and truthful look inside to see what it’s showing. Yawning is an instant sign, a messenger that something is going on in our subconscious that we would rather escape from or tune out to.

Back to plainly clothed Sarah, my weekly drop-in friend who triggered my personal yawn reflex. It took me a while, but I finally had to admit that I was judging her for what I thought was her “dowdiness.” Even as we would chat about interesting things -- politics, history, art --- (did I mention we really had a lot in common?), I would be eyeing her dated hair style, matronly clothes and always so-sensible-shoes, and be giving her an emergency fashion makeover in my mind.

I finally had to ask myself what was it about me that I believed was just like her? I hated to admit it, but there was a part of me that seriously judged my own fashion sense. I judged my inability to do stylish things with my wildly curly hair and for years had lived in fear that straight hair would once again be the vogue. I confessed to myself that the only reaso
I limped around in fashionably chic shoes was because I wouldn’t be caught dead thinking others were judging my choice of comfort-over-style footwear! Wow. I was blown away at how many superficial qualities I still possessed, not that I would ever admit to them unless under threat of torture!
Tell the truth and yawning stops

The good news is that once you fess up and admit to yourself what those yawns are trying to tell you, guess what? Snap! The yawning stops and suddenly you are re-energized. Just like that. It is actually quite miraculous and it happens most every single time. But only if you catch yourself and realize it probably has little to do with how much sleep (or lack of sleep) you had. Spoken by someone who used to require at least nine hours a day to even half-way function coherently! By the way, that triple jolt of espresso might help perk you up, but it is healthier, faster and far less expensive to do a quick inner check in. And you won’t plummet down that pesky post-caffeine drop!

Brian’s story

Here’s another scenario: Brian, a mid-thirties owner of a small business, shared about sitting in his weekly employee meeting listening to the litany of reports, complaints and questions, and suddenly found himself yawning. Not small, easy-to-stifle yawns, but eye tearing, jaw popping, haven’t-slept-in-a-week yawns. No matter how hard he tried, he could barely keep his eyes open. The harder he tried to perk up his energy, the worse it got. He hoped no one noticed his drooping eyelids as he looked down pretending to be reading his notes. The words blurred on the page and he couldn’t focus on anything they said.

Suddenly, his head snapped forward almost crashing onto the conference table! He was startled to realize he had actually fallen asleep! He panicked about how long he was out, prayed he didn’t make that little snorty sound he sometimes makes when in deep slumber. He was terrified to think he hadn’t heard a word anyone had said, and, since he is the boss, it would be important he at least appear to be interested.

But, that’s just it. He is interested. It’s his business, for goodness sake! So, why is he so exhausted, knowing he had a good, solid eight hours the night before? Could it be a caffeine crash? Nope, no morning latte today. Could it be a compilation of the endless stress and worries of owning a business? No, things weren’t any different on that day than any other for this overworked entrepreneur!

I decided to pose the same inner questions to Brian, ones I had learned to ask myself when experiencing those exhaustion attacks. I asked him if there was something about the employee meeting that he was having a difficult time with. He answered without hesitation. “Ohhh… everything!” he exclaimed, “I am really having a tough time even keeping my business going right now. The economic downturn, you know. And, I am feeling such a strong sense of responsibility toward all of my employees. I can’t let any of them go! What would they do without this job? I haven’t even paid myself these last two months just so that I could pay them. I am terrified half the time, and the rest of the time I’m depressed!”

His words gushed from his mouth like a hose aimed at a fire.

I asked him to look inside and ask what this was about for him. What could the message be from his exhaustion at the employee meeting?

He paused, looking at the brown carpeted floor, tears starting to edge his usually emotionless, deep blue eyes.

“I think I’m just really upset at myself for not planning better financially. Every time I see all those eager faces looking up to me as their boss, I just know they are thinking wow, he sure has it all together… he is really a great business man. Man, if they only knew the real truth!”

As Brian talked about his business situation, it got very clear to him that he was angry at himself for what he believed were his business shortcomings and lack of planning. He felt so much guilt that he could barely face his employees. He was subconsciously waiting for them to discover him as a “fraud,” anticipating that if they knew how disorganized he really was they would all desert him.

Those pesky false notions

As Brian admitted this litany of self-judgments, an interesting thing happened: He was suddenly able to see that his judgments were not really the truth about himself. At all! He, in fact, is a very organized business man, and cares deeply about, not only his employees, but his clientele. He was so busy blaming himself for something he believed he should have done differently, he had lost sight of his purpose for having started his business.

Once Brian allowed himself to get back in touch with that, he gave himself a hardy pat on the back for how far he had come, how much he had truly accomplished. He decided to “come clean” at the next employee meeting and not only be honest with his staff, but ask their advice. It was not the easiest thing for him to do, but he told his employees the basics about his financial situation. They listened compassionately, asked lots of questions, and he answered them with full transparency. He even let himself cry in front of them without attempting to thwart his tears.

When I saw him the next week, he could hardly wait to share what happened. “You aren’t going to believe what happened at my employee meeting,” he burst out. “I told them what is going on financially in the business, and one of them came up with this brilliant suggestion that I just know is going to help us start thriving again, even with the economy as it is! Another volunteered to go part time, since she wanted to spend more time with her children. And, yet another offered to design and distribute flyers about the business all over the neighborhood on her own time, for free! Is that amazing or what?”

Brian had learned the deeper significance of his yawns, and made a personal commitment to always pay attention to those out-of-character, instant exhaustion attacks.

Button, button who’s got the butto

A few years ago I was conducting a weekend retreat camp-out for twelve advanced students. It was a group that had been together for over a year, and they were quite open and honest with each other. The first night we were sitting around the campfire under twinkling stars, the silence of nature surrounding us. Before long, they were openly discussing some of their deepest personal issues. Although the conversation was as hot and heavy as the glowing fire we were huddled around, yet I watched as each one would start to nod off one at a time. Instead of reacting as anyone else would in that situation -- blaming it on the late hour and having everyone call it a night with the promise of continuing the discussion the following morning -- I decided to experiment with my yawn theory.

Each time I would notice one of their heads slowly melting into their laps, I would gently ask them what was going on. The immediate reaction was to say “Nothing,” or “I‘m just tired!” but I had taught them early on not to readily accept that pat answer, but rather to look inside for the real truth. After doing a quick inner check-in, trusting whatever came to them, each and every person acknowledged that there had been something said that they didn’t want to confront about themselves right before they nodded off, something that was getting a bit too close to home.

We continued our conversation for several hours, each person delving deeply, seeing more and more truth about themselves. The energy of the entire group began to rollercoaster, dipping down and then going up as each of us admitted something core about ourselves. Every time, the entire group dynamic was instantly affected. Finally, at a certain point we all experienced an intensely vibrant love for one another and we just sat there in silence, bathing in joyous energy.

Something vividly bright caught my peripheral vision. I glanced over my left shoulder to see a blinding light coming over the mountain. It took me a minute to comprehend that I was actually catching a glimpse of a new day as the sun was beginning to peak out! We had been up the entire night talking and sharing and not one of us felt even the least bit tired! We laughed hysterically about the miracle we had experienced together, each learning more about how incredibly powerful we truly are.

I never doubted the power of telling the truth again. And, I never doubted my own personal guru, Yawni, ever again.