An Effective Communication Skill for Better Relationships - Married or Not

I was just talking with a new client of mine who was feeling angry with her husband. The anger came from a conversation that just didn't go the way it should. As I was asking questions to get to the root of the problem there was an "Ah-ha!" moment. The Ah-ha moment came when my client realized the only reason the conversation got out of hand was because she and her husband both assumed they knew what the other was thinking.

"Why did you assume?" I asked.

"Because I always do. Don't most people?" she replied.

"Yes!", I confirmed. "Most people do assume they know what the other person is thinking."

Wisely, she asked, "So, what could I do next time?"

"Simple," I told her, "Don't assume."

After we went back and forth for a while I suggested, "If what you're doing now isn't working, try something else."

She responded, "I don't know what else to try."

I offered a suggestion. I also made it very clear that what I'm about to suggest does not apply only for when she communicates with her husband. What I'm about to say applies to whomever she is communicating with.

She couldn't wait for my suggestion. She was so excited! I told her that what I was going to suggest is very easy to say, but not easy to implement.

"OK, OK" she said, "What is it?"

"The next time you talk with someone on any topic, when the other person says something, stay in the present." She looked a bit puzzled, so I continued.

Ask questions about what the other person just said. "When you stay in the present conversation and ask deeper questions, you'll learn more about the person and the topic from their perspective. You will not only learn more about the person, that person will for a change feel like they have been heard," I told her.

This exact topic came up with a client I've been working with for awhile. She told me she and her husband went to bed angry from an earlier conversation. I asked, "So, where are you now with that anger?"

She said both she and her husband are not angry at all anymore.

I then questioned, "What happened?"

She said the next morning as they laid in bed, she practiced what I recommended she do. She told me that since she started doing this all of her relationships have been getting better and better.

You might have guessed my next question. "So, what was the shift that went from anger to being happy again?" I asked her.

She told me she didn't assume she knew why he was angry. She asked her husband one short question that opened up a wonderful conversation that lasted an hour.

"What was that one question you asked?"

She asked him, "What are you really angry about, honey?"

Just like my client, when you stay in the present, ask questions and ask more questions about what the person just said many things open up. You learn the facts of the story and you learn more about the person with whom you're speaking. They see you as interested and they truly feel heard and cared for. This is a win/win situation.

Remember "If someone has to win, you both lose."