Are you Really Listening?

Using effective communication techniques takes practice. We are not born with an automatic road map on communicating effectively. Many of the communication methods we learned were from what was modeled to us by our parents and other grownups. With this in mind, it is important to look back at how you were talked “to” or “at” as a child. Some of us may have been fortunate that we had parents who really “listened” to us. They allowed us to express our feelings and needs without judgment or reprimand, many were not. Unfortunately the majority of us were parented in ways that did not acknowledge how we felt, minimized or even discounted how we felt and some of us where told how we “should” be feeling. This was the pattern we learned for communicating. It was a pattern that did not have mutual respect. We also learned how to communicate by what was modeled not only by our parents but by the other adults around us. We also learned communication patterns by observation of how other adults communicated. Our communication pattern was learned through how it was modeled to us. It was not a skill most of us were formally taught. Effective Communication is not a school subject for most children. We assume that effective communication is something that comes naturally. It is actually a learned skill that takes practice. One of the most important components to effective communication is the ability to “Listen”. The skill of listening is not taught in school and does not come naturally for most people. Most people did not get the skill of listening modeled to them so they don’t automatically know how to have positive listening skills. Too often we listen for what we need to hear rather than to what the other person is intends to truly say. Our inability to use positive listening skills is often at the root of our conflicts with our children. A good relationship is characterized by good listening skills on not just part of the sender but also the part of the receiver. When we listen effectively to someone we not only show that person respect and that we care, we also show that we are open and receptive. Obstacles to Good Listening Effective listening which is sometimes termed Real listening is a skill that takes practice and an honest look at our pattern of communicating. It reflects how we deal with the people and the world around us. If we tend to take a distrustful or combative stance toward our child or other people most of the time, it may be more challenging to engage in healthy and open listening. If we need to please others for our validation or we form dependent relationships with other people, then the majority of the time it becomes hard to truly hear what the other person are trying to say. We will hear only what we need or want to hear. Take a look at some of the common obstacles to active listening that typically interfere with healthy communication. Learn to recognize them when they are happening. And remember that obstacles can usually be removed. Being Judgmental: When we have already have formed a negative judgment or attitude about someone, we will stop listening openly to what they have to say. We may only listen to what we want to hear that supports our negative opinion of the other person. Unfortunately, when we are not able to listen to the totality of what the person is saying, we will not get a true essence of what the person is saying and stay locked into our negative opinion. Taking it Personally: Many times when a person is saying something that feels like it is about us, especially someone we are close to, we have a tendency to take what they are saying in a personal way. We make it about “us” instead of about the person who is communicating. When we take it personally, we put up defenses and barriers which block our ability to be receptive to what the person is saying. We may not really “ hear” what they are trying to convey. Making Assumptions: Human beings by nature tend to assume they already know something. This can get in the way of really “listening and hearing” what another person is trying to say. For example, if our child is trying to explain why they “forgot” to call us when they went to another friend’s house, we have a tendency to assume they are going to “tell” us a story so they don’t have a consequence. When we make assumptions, we are not open to other possibilities and block effective listening. Rehearsing: This is when our mind actively creates our argument against the speaker’s point of view as it is being presented. This implies that we have our own established opinions before the facts are presented. We become closed to what the other has to say. Filtering: We will hear some things that the other person is talking about, but not everything. This usually occurs when we have an emotional investment in the outcome. There may be some topics, like the speaker’s anger toward us, which we simply block out because we aren’t as ready to deal with them as the other person might be. Filtering may be helpful when it is used to lessen the impact of bringing up a difficult topic or a topic we want to avoid. When we us filtering for long usually means that it is time to examine the purpose behind your need to shut out some of the information. Being aware of any obstacles you employ when communicating is the first step to making a change in your communication pattern so that you can develop the skills to effectively listen.