Are You the Over Bearing Type?

Sometimes referred to as over-protective, demanding, motherly, smothering or stalker - these are the emotional ties that choke a relationship and do NOT create strong bonds. Each of these characteristics can be plotted on a line from demanding through stalking, with each taking its own place on the continuum. The least offensive is demanding behavior and the most dangerous is stalking. It is interesting that it is often the woman who is demanding in a relationship and the man who becomes the stalker. But each of these characteristics can doom a relationship from the start, and sometimes create an environment in which violence erupts. It's important to recognize the signs up front and get out while the getting is good. People who are demanding will often have a difficult time understanding or "seeing" your point of view in the discussion. Each conversation revolves around their concerns, questions, problems and daily activities. You soon will tire of their self-centered attitude and find it difficult to attach emotionally. Women may also find themselves getting into a motherly or smothering behavior pattern in which you track your SOs every movement and try to meet their every need, without ever being asked. Do you find yourself bringing over plants to decorate their apartment? Do you bring meals over unannounced? Do you call at all hours of the day and evening? Do you interrupt the poker game to bring over flowers for the table? If you find yourself developing those behaviors then it's time to get help. Your SO may mention them or they just might bug out without ever having a conversation with you. If you are willing to have an honest and open conversation about what went wrong you could get clues to improve the odds that your next relationship won't end in disaster. The feelings that guide you to those over-bearing and smothering behaviors are usually driven by fear of being alone or the desire to please. In either case, a mature relationship is built on trust and the coming together of two whole individuals who may struggle with more minor character flaws but are more secure in who they are and what they have to offer the other person. Stalking behavior is on the extreme end of the spectrum. According to Victims of Crime, partner stalking is the largest category of stalking cases with between 4.8% and 14.5% of women resporting they had been stalked by an intimate partner. (1) The National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center report that 8% of women and 2% of men have been stalked at some time during their life and that most stalking is done between people who know each other. (2) It all boils down to trust in the relationship. Where trust exists with two people who do not bring emotional damage to a relationship, there is a greater chance for success and emotional intimacy. (3) Without trust the rest of the relationship crumbles around a foundation built on shifting sand. (1) Victims of Crime: Research on Partner Stalkingrnhttp://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/Common%20Documents/Research%20on%20Partner%20Stalking%20Report.pdf (2) National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center:Fact Sheet on Stalkingrnhttps://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/stalking.shtml (3) Greater Good Berkley: John Gottman on Trust and Betrayalrnhttp://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal