Arguing with Your Wife or Girlfriend -- A Requirement for A Happy Relationship

I can already hear the objections and the outrage, and see stunned faces. But first, read on to see what the title really means.

There are people who think that arguments will always happen, and don't even mind arguing over anything. On the other hand, there are people who think that they should never let an argument arise. (Yes, I have actually heard someone say that.) But, think about it! These are the extremes -- neither of which is healthy for a relationship.

In any happy relationship, there are some arguments. Nothing serious, but a small part of life just because no two people are 100% alike. Naturally, there will be some disagreement where both of them will want to defend their position.

According to John Gottman, world renowned expert in marriage stability, the happiest relationships have about 10% of arguments, and 90% of happy times. This makes sense because these proportions clearly define the relationship as happy while allowing for the release of conflicts that naturally arise from the personality differences.

A good example to explain the necessity of some arguments is the way the human body is sustained. We all need food to nourish us, but we also need to release the slack that our bodies are not able to use. Without releasing it, the unneeded slack would create a toxic effect. Just like in a relationship -- if disagreements and frustrations are not released, they create harmful effects.

The important point is how those disagreements are released. It goes without saying that in a happy relationship, the two people respect each other, and they don't abandon that respect even during arguments. This is not to say that they never raise their voices, but arguments certainly don't turn into insulting matches.

We all have heard of relationships where the couple argued without limits. There is no need to explain the harmful effects -- we all know that. However, there is a more subtle harmful behavior. That is the "never let an argument arise" apptoach. When people repress disagreements -- in other words, repress the release of slack, as mentioned above -- toxic effects build up. That's what happened in some of the marriages of which you thought: "I don't understand. They never argued, and now they are getting divorced."

You don't want to experience either extreme. If you have occasional small arguments with your spouse or partner among the many happy times, and maintain respect all the time, be happy for what you have. If you, however, deal with either extreme, remember that some arguments are necessary for a healthy relationship, but what's important is the "how" and "how much." Master the way you argue, and control the amount of arguments, and you will have a good chance for a lasting, happy relationship.