Ask For What You Want (Just Be Careful What You Ask)

A common theme arises when I talk to people…. “I never get what I want!”

When I put the question to them… “Did you ask for what you wanted”, I get strange looks, and even stranger answers. Why is it that we often do not ask for what we want, or we ask in such a way that the request is almost a refusal - for example…. “I know you probably wont want to do this for me, but can you….”, or “you’ll probably say no, but…..”.

Coaching a male client on dating last week, we pondered these two approaches to a woman, which do you think would be more successful…?

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Which drink would you like me to buy you?”

When asking for something we want, from anyone, anytime, anywhere… tell them what you would like, and be very direct. Tell people what you want first, then ask for what you want. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, however, when you repeatedly do it, the requests will come easier. Our family and friends are often the people we feel most uncomfortable doing this with.

Another client feels her marriage has lost it’s spark, and was commenting to me that her husband never takes her out anymore. I asked her how she brought this up with her husband.

Client: “The other night I was thinking about how we used to go out all the time, for dinner and a movie. I said to my husband, you never take me out anymore.”

I suggested that next time she ask for what she wants… “I really liked it when we used to go out for dinner and a movie (put an emotion in here). It was very romantic and I felt very spoilt and close to you. When would you like to do this again”.

Which approach do you think worked? In the second approach the husband heard how it made his wife feel, and his mind would then concentrate on the positive effects of a night out. (And possibly the night at home after going out!)

Let me know the changes this difference in asking produces for you.