Be Aware: When Your Desire for Love is Driven by Neediness & Dependency it Harms the Relationship

Introduction Many “fall for” others who are unavailable, giving themselves totally, as if there is no tomorrow, ignoring warning signs – even the most obvious ones – believing they have found “the love of their life”, only to become disillusioned time and again – and to jump in with another unavailable person. For as long as they are not aware of their need and dependency, they are not able to change, heal and develop a healthy intimacy. ** You have probably heard of (or known; or read stories and seen movies about) women who “fall in love” with their college professors or older, married men. They feel as if they are “the most important person” in this man’s life; they believe he will divorce his wife for them. They believe the man when he says that in all the years he has been teaching he has never met someone like her. These men’s prestige and power make them so attractive – the women hardly believe that such men can “fall” for them…and she believe “her man” when he takes her to hotel rooms and makes love to her. What follows is a well-known story: they put plans on hold because they prefer to wait for his phone call, hoping to see him again as soon as possible. And they accept whatever reasons he uses to justify not calling. And they feel heart-broken when suddenly, out of the blue, he stops calling altogether. (A comment: There are many men who are also needy and dependent, “traits” and behaviors which damage their relationships as well). The Desperate Need to be Loved It is amazing to see how often many “fall for” someone who is unavailable. And when they do, they give themselves totally, as if there is no tomorrow. It is also amazing to see how often they ignore warning signs – even the most obvious ones (such as: he is flirting with others…) – believing their love when he says that they are the most important in his life. The question is, are they so desperate to be loved? Are they lack self-esteem and therefore “fall” for someone in a high position, as if to tell themselves they are worth something? Have they been deprived of love at their parents’ home and therefore are so needy to receive it, at all cost? Regardless of the reasons driving people to be desperate for love, as long as they don’t become aware of what drives their need, they might not be able to de-activate the power it exerts over them. Consequently they might behave in desperate ways time and again, with one partner after another, hindering their ability to eventually build and maintain a healthy and satisfying intimacy. Some eventually become so disillusioned with the concept of “love” that they abolish altogether their attempts to have a partner. Others continue, unsuccessfully, to find a partner who will give them the love they so much lust for – only to become disillusioned once again. How can they heal? The most efficient way for them to heal is by understanding how they hurt themselves over and over again: * By gaining insight into the fears and needs which drive them to “fall in love”; * By taking steps to counteract their “falling in love”, to conquer their neediness; * By realizing what does a “healthy relationship” mean to them; * And finally, by taking the steps to heal and change their attitudes and behaviors. How can they do so? By developing their Self-Awareness: looking inwards and becoming aware of what it is that drives them to sabotage themselves (be it fears, needs, dependency issues and other factors), and understanding how to re-take control over their life. There is the saying “No one has promised you a rose garden”. But awareness can help you remove thorns from your life and move forward to a healthy and satisfying intimacy.