Becoming a Stepfamily: Helping Children Transition After Remarriage

In the United States today, stepfamilies are becoming increasingly common. In fact, statistics indicate that 75% of divorced individuals eventually remarry (National Center for Health Services, 2002). Of those who remarry, sixty-five percent (65%) of couples will bring children from prior relationships to the marriage (Norton & Miller, 1992).
As with most life transitions, creating a cohesive stepfamily has its challenges. For example, the research shows that stepfamilies often experience upheaval in managing boundaries with the child’s other family and struggles frequently occur as they attempt to build stepfamily unity (Golish, 2003). In addition, it is not uncommon for children to feel as though they are caught between their parent and their stepparent, while the biological parent and stepparent feel unclear about each other’s parenting role (Golish, 2003). However, studies also show that, over time, stepfamilies eventually do adjust to the new arrangement and children living in stepfamilies ultimately look no different than children who have always lived in first-marriage families. (Hetherington, 2003; NSRC, n.d.). To support their children’s well-being after remarriage, there are several things parents can do to maximize their children’s successful transition into the stepfamily arrangement.

Understand the Child’s Perspective

While many newlywed couples view their remarriage as the creation of a loving family, from the child’s perspective it simultaneously represents the permanent loss of his or her first family. A parent’s remarriage puts an end to the child’s hope that his or her biological parents will someday be reunited. It is important for the biological parent to acknowledge this sense of loss while reassuring the child that it is understandable to be sad that the previous family has dissolved. The parent should encourage the child to recall happy times during their previous family and let the child know it is all right to keep the family’s memories and talk about them. Doing so will help prevent the child from feeling as if his or her first family, and all its memories, are being erased and replaced by the stepfamily. When allowed to talk openly about memories from his or her first family, as well as about current experiences, the child will come to recognize that the stepfamily is creating new memories and not destroying or replacing those the child already has.

Understand that Relationships Develop Naturally

Newly remarried couples sometimes envision their new family as a replica of their first married family, with close parent-child relationships, only to wind up experiencing disappointment and frustration. The simple reality is that love and closeness between individuals takes time to develop, and that fact holds true for stepparents and stepchildren. The new partner will not automatically love the stepchildren, nor will stepchildren necessarily love, or even like, the new partner. It must be kept in mind that each child is unique in his or her personality and temperament, so while some children may be open and welcoming to the stepparent, others may resist the family change or even resent the ‘instant’ new parent. For a caring and nurturing relationship with the child to grow, both the parent and stepparent must accept that it will take time, patience, and commitment to its development. Parents who enter into the stepfamily arrangement expecting no more than friendship and respect from the stepchild will be less dissatisfied and more empathetic of the child’s need to gradually adjust and have time to get to know, and eventually even come to care about, the stepparent.

Open Communication

One key aspect of stepfamily success is open, respectful communication between all family members. Active listening, which involves carefully listening to the child while trying to understand his or her thoughts and feelings, is one way that parents can foster such communication. When parents listen to their child without interrupting and then paraphrase what the child has said, the child feels that his or her comments and feelings are being heard and valued, which encourages further communication. Open communication is also promoted when family disagreements are not allowed to escalate to the point that thoughtless and hurtful comments are made. Instead, parents should teach children “I statements” (e.g., “I feel…when….”) and model those statements themselves.

Fostering Respect

Respect within the stepfamily is important for building and strengthening relationships between family members. Since children learn through observing others, parents can instill in their children respectful behaviors by demonstrating those behaviors themselves. When the biological parent and the stepparent show respect for the child’s opinions, thoughts, and ideas, the child will feel like a valued part of the new family. Respecting the child’s needs to openly express feelings and raise issues of concern, and promptly addressing those issues, will also help the child feel like an important member of a responsive, caring family.
Despite the challenges, most children can successfully transition into the newly created family after parents remarry. By keeping their children’s perspectives and feelings in mind, having realistic expectations about stepfamily relationships, and fostering open communication and respect for all, parents can help their children navigate more smoothly through the changes that take place when becoming a stepfamily.

References:

Golish, T. (2003). Stepfamily communication strengths: Understanding the ties that bind. Human Communication Research, 29, 40-81.

Hetherington, E.H. (2003). Social support and the adjustment of children in divorced and remarried families, Childhood, 10, 217-236

Norton, A.J., & Miller, L.F. (1992), Marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the 1990s, Current Population Reports (Series P23-180), Washington, DC: Government Printing Office

National Center for Health Services (2002). Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the United States. Series Report 23, 22. 103pp.

Stepfamily Myths (n.d.). In National Stepfamily Resource Center. Retrieved March 20, 2011, from http://www.stepfamilies.info/stepfamily-myths.php.