Becoming my own child

I think I might be on to something. I am well aware that my main struggle in this life is conquering my self-worth. When I first came face to face with that fact, the first tip of advice I read was to create powerful affirmations to revert the pattern. Whenever I caught myself with an emotion that reflected my low self-esteem, I would fight back forcefully with a solid affirmation in the hope that the discomfort would go away. I wonder if you've ever walked that path. In my case, it didn't work; moreover, it left me even more disheartened than before because now there was something else I had failed at.

Nevertheless, if you've ever struggled with your own self-esteem, you know how terribly painful it is to hear your own voice deprecating you and not being one bit compassionate about the effort you are putting into everything. The curious thing, though, is that somehow, somewhere, I sensed that there was a special value in me, but it was as if that certainty loved to play hide and seek with me, and more often than not, its greatest thrill was to remain hidden and bet on how long it would take me to discover its secret spot.

Some time ago, I figured I was self-assured when it came to being a parent (being a single mom, I just know that the credit for my daughter's upbringing so far is ALL MINE). Mother's intuition to nurture, support and love my child came naturally to me, and with the help of a few well-chosen books, I soon understood the value of setting clear limits and how to do it in a loving but firm way. So I thought: "What if I start building my sense of self-worth with the certainty of being a remarkable (not flawless!) parent as its solid foundation? And what if in order to find the loving compassion and support I so desperately seek to find outside I turned to the wise parent in me?" At first it seemed a little bit of an outreach, but as the days went by, I started putting it into practice and, guess what? It's starting to work!

Now, whenever I'm caught belittling myself, I stop a second and adopt a parenting role. I say something like: "I know you're [angry, upset, sad, disappointed, you fill in the blanks], and I know it hurts. I love you with all my heart and I am here to support you until the pain goes away. It's ok to cry, I love you unconditionally." By doing that, the first thing that happens is that I stop the nasty talk toward myself; and secondly, it reminds me that my higher self believes I'm valuable (and who am I to argue with her, right?). And while I'm writing this, I realize that with this switch, the elusive certainty that used to enjoy its hiding place finds more joy in adopting the new parenting role I've assigned to it. So I plan to keep this up for as long as it works and see where it takes me. Stay tuned for future epiphanies!