The light in the middle of the tunnel

Yesterday I hit bottom once again. What’s curious is that each bottom is deeper and darker than the previous one. It seems that all my lightwork is invisible, worthless and useless for this world. The feeling of separation that overflows me is the most overwhelming so far…

With all the work I’ve been doing with myself, I have managed to heal relationships and very old wounds, I was able to see them “with light”, to comprehend them from the heart, to forgive others and to forgive myself. I’ve been able to create new friends, those with whom you can share your life without masks. I’ve achieved very lucid moments. I’ve managed to discover what gift I have to share with the world. I’ve been able to see in which way I want to work from now on. I’ve healed very painful and sad situations by letting my emotions come up and give them light. I’ve committed myself to share each step with you from my deepest vulnerability in order to reach other hearts like mine. I am grateful for all I have, even though it feels borrowed; I am grateful for my daughter, even if she does not belong to me. I am grateful for "not having" so that I can avoid the temptation of seeking answers outside of myself. I am grateful for each step and for each unexpected turn; I thank all the words of encouragement, and I bless the person who is so hurt that his only source of pleasure is hurting me. I acknowledge my pains and my fears and I face them, I give them my attention until they go away. I look for signs of confirmation that I’m following the path of light, because from this part of the tunnel I can’t see, because there is still too much smoke and I can’t see the horizon. Sometimes the signs come from those little birds that few notice, from an unexpected flower, or it’s brought to me by the neighbor’s cat that stares at me, and even from the breathtaking picture that I get on an e-mail or the soothing and timely phrase that a friend posts on Facebook.

Nevertheless, I’ve come to a point in which all the “truths” I’ve found contradict each other. It’s still two sides of the same coin. Nothing is definite. Duality still prevails. I can’t seem to transcend it. And just when I thought I had tried everything, there were new things to try and confirm that they do not work for me. And that is how I felt last night, very ANGRY because even if I’ve come a long way, I have no idea of how much more lies ahead. I don’t know how much of my journey I’ve conquered nor if I’m about to give up two feet before the finish line. And I so much feel like giving up! You have no idea how much I wish I could throw in the towel! Just let myself die and go on to the next life. I feel that when I planned this life, I set the bar too darn high, I placed challenges too hard to meet alone, or maybe they were just too many. I gave myself too much credit and I was wrong. Maybe the way out is to fold and get a new hand.

But I can’t. The love I have for my daughter is way stronger than my despair. I have to hang in there at least until she has enough tools to be on her own. And at the same time, I feel that together with all my love, all my feelings of scarcity permeate, that I take more than I give to her… Where do I find the strength to hold on another fifteen years? How do I give her the strength I lack? I swear to you that I have no idea…

But somewhere in the darkness something has changed. In absolutely ALL the previous times in which I hit rock bottom, I mistreated me with words, I was mean and I insulted myself beyond what’s imaginable. The things I dared say to me do not compare with anything anyone had ever said to me (mind you that I’ve been told very hurtful things!). But even so, this morning, after having cried silently in the shower, I did not mistreat myself. This time I did not belittle my accomplishments and my commitment as jokes of fate. At this point, even if no one sees me, even if nobody considers it of any worth, even if I have no value for the market, I see it. I know that I am at a 100 per cent at each moment. I know I’m going over my own limits with every breath. I know I am giving all of me as an incarnated soul and mother on this Earth. I know that even if I’m wrong, I look after my body; even if the market does not “get it”, what I offer is the experience, wisdom and knowledge of my whole life; even if I don’t always manage to do it, I pay attention to avoid judging others; even if I don’t always get it right, I am the change I want to see in the world. And so, today, instead of being mean and hurtful yet one more time, I hugged myself. And my hug was stronger and warmer that any other hug I have ever received from someone else. And I said “I love you” to myself. And in my hug, I looked for that inner mother that I discovered some time ago. And here’s what she said to me:

“Dear child, I know you’re suffering. I know how much it hurts. I wish I could say to you that I know what lays ahead on your path, but I don’t know it. I wish I could take your pain away, but it’s not in my hands to do so. However, I see all your commitment and dedication, I see all your courage and I am very proud of you. I love you. I hug you, I support you and give you all my love. I see you.”