Being Assertive, Not competitive

I have a special interest in this issue. Early in my career, I had been working for a big retail organization in their corporate central office. In the course of one of my yearly assessments, it was brought to my attention that other individuals perceived the way I acted as “aggressive”. WOW. That was an eye-opener. I figured I was being confident, not belligerent. If I wanted my job to remain to grow, I knew I would have to make some modifications. But where to begin?

I started to be an analyzer of other employees. I observed how they behaved, how they replied to challenges and how they interacted with superior executives. I noticed the contrast of aggressive versus affirmative habits was a two-fold. Both verbal and physical language was taking part. By paying attention to these two factors, it was clear to me who would succeed in their careers and who would not.

I began to improve my words, approach and delivery of my messages. I made changes in my body movements and I learned to pay attention to what the other person was talking about. It was remarkable what happened when I started to have an understanding of where the other person was coming from through my own positive manners.

But I have to confess my transformation from belligerent to assertive was slow. It was a lot of trial and error and a great deal of irritation. By discussing what I realized, I hope it can make the transition much easier for other people.

Let’s begin with the spoken word. "Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind." -Rudyard Kipling, 1865-1936, English Writer. This is a fantastic quote because the words and phrases you use are powerful. They can have a positive or a negative result on the person with whom you might be talking with. Be conscious the things you say. You can opt for less insulting words and still make your point. For example: Being menacing, you may say “I can’t believe you missed another dead line. You’re putting the entire project at risk.” An assertive reaction could be “John, I see you missed your due date again. I know you understand the importance of completing the project on time. Is there some way the team can help you meet these dates?”

Along with the word, is the delivery of your message. It comes from the tone of voice that you use. Is your tone optimistic, irritable, rude, sarcastic, nice, comprehending, fired up, empathic, or pleased? The tone reinforces the words you utilize. Think of the previous discussion you had that was uneasy for you. What words and tone did the other person use and how did you respond?

You can be annoyed or overwhelmed and still use beneficial words and tone to get your message across. The delivery will be more effective and more effective if it doesn't put the other people in a shielding mode that closes them off to what you are saying. Other people will enjoy working with you because you can get your point across and be firm in your convictions without being offensive to or putting down the other person. That's being self-assured.

Body language is the second part of competitive versus self-assured behavior. Your words might say one thing, but people believe what your body is communicating. What is threatening body language? It’s in your facial expressions: crunched forehead, tight mouth, squinty eyes; your arms – folded, exaggerated movements, clenched fists or pointing a finger; your posture – stiff, leaning forward and in their face, or turned away as if you're indifferent. Be stress free within yourself so that your body language remains natural and calm.

If you've now decided you need to work on your fierce approach, remember it takes 21 days to start a new behavior. You need to exercise the new behavior for 21 days for it to start to take hold and 100 days for it to become reflex. Then your new words, tone, and body language will become natural to you.

Are the changes beneficial? Take it from me, they are. Today’s work surroundings is highly competitive both within a company as well as those looking for employment. Learning and comprehending what self-assured conduct is can really help you make relationships and your career. Be positive and be a step ahead of your competition!