***Can hostile, aggressive angry people really change their behavior?

Anger Management skills can be helpful for people ranging from the mildly miffed to the violently vengeful. You do not need to be in a physically violent relationship to benefit from understanding and learning about communicating angry and hurt feelings constructively. Secondly, if you are scared of your partner’s angry behavior then reach out to your local shelter, to me, or call the National Hotline at 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233) You can read about abuse at their website- www.TheHotline.org
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

The answer to whether abusive people can change is the same as the old joke asking, “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?--- Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change.”

Most people who hurt others with their anger do not significantly change. Some do, but most do not. Some may mellow out with age. So what makes for the difference that allows some to change while others do not or cannot? In the same way that a person cannot take out their own appendix, someone whose personality is controlling and abusive cannot see the problem and thus cannot address the affliction.

What is required in the majority of cases that change, is that the person asks for help and gets help from experienced and qualified people. In most cases, this means professional help, but it can certainly be a person in the life of the one who has an anger management problem. The person should have a strong sense of self, cares about and respects the abuser as a person. This does not mean that the behavior is tolerated or excused. It just means there is an understanding. Other sources of change can include self-help groups or spiritual experiences.

The most important tool for anger management professionals is the well-implemented TIME OUT AGREEMENT. Both parties agree in a calm period that if the other party says, “I need a Time Out.” and states when they will return (recommended one hour or less) then the agreement is to let the person go. This is the basic Time Out Agreement which is actually read by each other, to one another, making eye contact a few times. I add a few other suggestions to this agreement to handle what to do when the person returns. If someone makes this agreement and cannot reasonably do what they commit to doing, which is letting the person leave without shaming or blocking doorways, then that person is ‘out of their own control.’ No matter how they may justify it, they apparently cannot let the other person leave when they are worked up.

What about mental, emotional and verbal abuse?

Probably the most common complaint I’ve heard from women has been that their partner dismisses, minimizes or outright disrespects their emotions. They are often called ‘too emotional’ or they are told that they are crazy by their partners. In most cases, this learned behavior from the home or culture that the men grew up in. Or, it can simply be a defensiveness that has them arguing, denying or lying to cover up something that they know they did that was inappropriate. The mantra that is sometimes suggested for these men is, “It’s O.K. if my wife is upset.”

An important idea here is that it is abusive when you dismiss or deny your partner the right to say, “Ouch!” or to say “I’m angry about something you’ve done.” You are demonstrating that you do not care about them. And, from that, that you do not love them.

My group partner Alyce and I surveyed the female partners of the men in our group after six months of group sessions. We asked what they think their partners do not understand yet, so they might work on in group in the future. The results were amazingly the same for just about all of them. The women said, “We see that the physical abuse has stopped but we also need our men to become aware of, and stop their emotional and verbal abuse.”

We also asked the men in the group the question, “What do you want your partner to know or see?” The response was again amazingly consistent and enduring over time. They said, “We want our women to see our progress and to acknowledge our effort.” Unfortunately, for them it’s hard for their women to say, “Gee, thanks for not hitting or physically intimidating me.” So we let the men know that the history of feeling scared or shamed by you men, is still influencing their perceptions and trust. And, this will take a long time to get to a fuller level of trust, comfort or joy. So for a while, perhaps up to a few years without incidents, the men are encouraged to seek acknowledgment from the group of men and us, the group leaders.

If you are scared of your partner’s angry behavior then reach out to your local shelter or call the National Hotline at 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233) You can read about abuse at their website- www.TheHotline.org
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
My website- www.RealHope.com , has a resource page with a lot of information in it. I am also available for distance phone/Skype consultations. Or, office sessions in Los Angeles at 310 444-1951.

How can I get my partner to see a professional?

Firstly, about 15% of the men have come to our group without being arrested or without being told that the relationship is over. In most of these cases the man was so overwhelmed with seeing fear in his wife’s, or his child’s eyes, that they decided that this was too much and that they needed help. It’s like alcoholics who hit a bottom. Rarely does someone admit that he, or she, needs help. And, it usually takes a fairly painful experience to get them to seek help.

Most of the men we’ve seen in our group refused to go to any counseling until their partner said they had enough and either asked them to leave, or said they were thinking about a divorce or separation. Before you just up and make that statement to your partner it is best to consult an expert about how to do this. The most dangerous time for a person in a relationship with domestic violence is at moments of ending. So, leaving the room in the middle of arguments can be a dangerous time for things to get physical. And, certainly saying that you are ending the relationship can be the most dangerous time.

The best thing you can do for your spouse is to take care of yourself. If you’ve been living in fear, shame or secrecy it is time that you simply find the professionals that can help you. It’s like the emergency instructions on an airplane to ‘put your own mask on, before you try to help others.’ If your partner has problems with alcohol or drugs, you may find great understanding, compassion and relief with Al-Anon or other self help groups. But, there may not be the knowledge of domestic violence or skills to deal with it. So, learning everything you can and taking advantage of all possible resources is a good plan. Otherwise, you will remain alone and a victim.

What about couples therapy or marriage counseling?

Do not attempt couples counseling if there is physical violence primarily initiated by one partner. The same can often be said for mental, verbal and emotional abuse. What usually happens is that the abuser gets to now call this a ‘communication problem’ or a joint relationship problem when it not. The cause of physical violence rests with the abuser. It is rarely a relationship generated problem. Until the abuser is capable of taking 100% responsibility for his, or her, behavior; entering couples therapy only supports the idea that the problem is caused by both people.

If you are scared of your partner’s angry behavior then reach out to your local shelter or call the National Hotline at 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233) You can read about abuse at their website- www.TheHotline.org
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

My website- www.RealHope.com , has a resource page with a lot of information in it. I am also available for distance phone/Skype consultations. Or, office sessions in Los Angeles at 310 444-1951.