Can this Relationship Be Saved?

There are three basic steps in saving a troubled relationship. These steps are based upon the answers to three important questions. Is the relationship worth saving? What will it take to save the relationship and keep the problem from reoccurring? Are both parties willing to make those necessary changes?

Is the relationship worth saving?

When you’re feeling lonely, it’s easy to look back and remember the good times. The first question you need to answer is whether the relationship suffered such fatal flaws as substance abuse, domestic violence, or infidelity.

A failed relationship is often due to a combination of little annoyances and unrealistic expectations. While a major crisis often inspires amazing teamwork, a little thing like a burnt casserole can escalate into an ongoing battle.

Take a piece of paper and try to identify the series of downward steps that led to the current situation. What were the major actions and reactions? At what points did the reactions grow disproportional to the action that preceded it?

What will it take to save the relationship?

Once you have decided the relationship is worth saving, you need to determine what it will take to save it. It may help to think in terms of essentials, desires, and preferences.
Essentials are things that HAVE to change, and may include better communication, more reasonable expectations, and more effective problem solving. Desires are things that should change, such as outside influences. Preferences might include specific behaviors that could be modified. By knowing what changes are highest in priority, you can be prepared to compromise. A professional counselor may be able to help identifying and implementing necessary changes.

Are both parties willing to do what it takes to save the relationship?

If you are more interested in saving the relationship than your partner is, you may have to be more willing to accept responsibility for the problem and be more open to change. Most men have a strong sense of fairness. He won’t accept your demand that he take full responsibility for change; it isn’t fair. On the other hand, when you lead the way by initiating positive changes, his sense of fairness may lead him to recognize his responsibility to change as well.

Sometimes talking out expectations can help. Most mature relationships include some baggage from past relationships that may make some silly annoyances and pet peeves overly important to one or the other. It may help to identify those and set up “rules” to prevent problems. If an ex deliberately served “burnt offerings” to express anger, he may overreact to a burned dinner. So if you accidentally burn dinner, be prepared to feed it to the dog and serve something else.

It may help to ask yourself “what am I like to live with?” Consider the consequences of spiteful actions. Above all, be prepared to demonstrate that you are serious about making the necessary changes to save your relationship with actions as well as words.