Changing Versus Influencing Your Spouse

Everyone has things they wish they could change about their spouse. Learning to live with these things and accepting your spouse for who he is can be a challenging part of marriage. In the best case scenarios, it can help you grow as a person and can help you live together in harmony as a couple. When there are things about your spouse that you don’t like or don’t want to live with, you have choices in how you respond. When you decide you simply cannot accept and tolerate your spouse’s behavior anymore, you might decide to spring into action. That action you take can play a major role in the health of your marriage. There is a big difference between trying to force your spouse to change and trying to influence your spouse’s behavior. Trying to change your spouse will likely create defensiveness and can waste a lot of your time and energy. Trying to influence your spouse can lead to positive change and a lot less frustration. Trying to Force your Spouse to Change Sometimes there are big problems in a marriage where one spouse might decide that something needs to change. Perhaps the other spouse is lying, having an affair or suffering from an addiction. Less serious problems, such as rude behavior or lack of willingness to pitch in around the house might be other problems that someone really wants to see change. However, when someone tries to force the other person to make a change, it’s usually met with resistance. Saying “You have to change or else,” usually doesn’t get met with warm and fuzzy feelings. Neither does nagging, begging, whining or making other threats. When people try to change their spouse they put more energy into trying to change their spouse than their spouse is putting in. You can’t force anyone to change, no matter how hard you try. It just doesn’t work unless your spouse is willing to try and make changes. Trying to Influence Your Spouse Although you can’t force your spouse to change, you can certainly influence your spouse. Marriage is like a dance. If you change how you step, your partner will change how he steps. It’s much more successful than trying to use force to get your partner to change steps. Influencing your spouse means you’re only putting in a limited amount of energy into the issue. It means you are willing to share your feelings, make your requests known and then accept that your spouse may or may not choose to change. Acknowledging that you can’t force your spouse to do something differently can be the most difficult part. You can influence your spouse to encourage change, however. For example, you can influence your spouse to exercise more, eat healthier, spend money more wisely or do more chores around the house. But in order to be effective at influencing, you have to understand that your spouse is his own person who might not be interested in being influenced to do something different than he’s already doing. How to Influence Your Spouse If you decide you want to influence your spouse to make change, pick just one problem to deal with at a time. You aren’t going to change all sorts of habits all at once. So focus on one thing and talk to your partner about. When you discuss it with your spouse, don’t place blame or behave judgmentally. Instead, stick to the facts. Say, “I noticed we were $200 short when it came time to pay the credit bill and I wanted to talk to you about that.” Discuss how you feel about it by specifically naming feelings. Say whether you were confused, angry, sad, worried, or frustrated. Then specifically, ask for your partner to do something differently. Say, “Can you help me go over the bills again or look at our budget this month,” or “Can you stop eating out for lunch every day because it is putting us behind on the bills.” Discuss what you are willing to do as well. Say, “I’ll be willing to buy groceries each week and pack your lunch to help save us money.” See if your spouse has any other suggestions and discuss how you can keep things in check as time goes on. If your spouse refuses, don’t argue or nag. Instead, focus on what you can do differently. By putting the focus on your own behavior, your energy will be much better spent than trying to control your spouse’s behavior. Meet your own needs if your spouse isn’t. That might mean taking care of yourself more or spending time with a family member or doing something on your own. Although you can’t force your spouse to change, it doesn’t mean you have to enable, encourage or join in with your spouse either. Seek professional help from a marriage counselor if you are feeling stuck. Even if your spouse isn’t interested in attending counseling, meeting with a counselor on your own can help you find healthy ways to respond to your spouse’s behaviors.