STEPPARENTS: THE MARRIAGE

How often have we witnessed -- or been part of -- ansituation where one parent hollers to the other, "you ALWAYSndo that and I'm sick of it!" Probably quite frequently. Hownoften have you seen it lead to a quiet, mature discussion ofnthe problem? Not very often.nnn For a stepparent, a conversation like that can cut like anknife. The parent has tried to "bring it all together," tonbuild a strong feeling of family involving parents andnchildren, but once again something has gone wrong. It isn'tnlikely that any marriage will sail smoothly along, withnnever a ripple in the smooth surface, but there are ways tonavoid or minimize the misunderstandings and the conflict. Innan interview about stepparenting that was printed in Salonn,nauthor Susan Chira said, "in reality, it's critical that youndevelop a strong marriage and a strong marital bond first,notherwise it's harder to negotiate all those other issues. Your adult needs must be met."nnn Another similar view was offered by M. B. Dillon in Step-Parenting: The Latest Frontier , who observed that thenbiological and stepparent are "the glue holding it allntogether, and the glue needed to be strong and flexible."nnn Most parents have some time alone together before thenchildren arrive, but a stepparent is dropped right into anfamily. Sometimes he or she will bring children to thenfamily, but often the stepparent has no parentingnexperience. If the couple have a honeymoon, it may be thenlast time they are alone together for a long time. At Strengtheningnthe Couple Relationship, there is an excellentndiscussion about what keeps a marriage strong. The autho points out: "When a man and a woman join together in thenmutual adventure through life, both individuals and thenmarriage are subjected to fierce strains; yet, in mostncases, they give marriage only 'left-over time.'" Some ofnthe areas that are important for keeping a marriage alivenare Trust, Commitment, Skills, Caring, Reciprocity, Effort,nand Enrichment, and the author elaborates on what makes upnthese important points. The article continues by looking atna Marriage Enrichment Plan. The seven areas that arendescribed take little time and effort, but can have verynpositive results.nnn Some of the things that parents have to discuss before theynmove in together are the basics of day-to-day living. Thenhouse rules need to be decided in advance, and it certainlynis possible that this can be done in meetings that involventhe children. Perhaps his children are used to staying upnuntil 10:00, whereas her children who are the same age havena 8:00 o'clock bed time. Even worse, one parent'snbiological children who are younger may have a later bedntime than the other parent's children do. Nothing will bengained by arguing about it when everyone is living together,nbut a family consultation can result in a compromise. Ultimately, however, the parents decide what the rules arenafter listening to the discussion about the points innquestion. No matter what the situation, if adults present anunited position, the children are more likely to accept it.nnn Time alone together is vital for the parents, but, ifnfinances are tight, it isn't necessary for them to actuallynleave home for an evening. The children need to appreciatenthat their parents require time to enjoy each other and thatnit doesn't mean they don't want their kids around. Thenarticle nnn Children, Marriage, and Date Nights takes anninteresting look at the need for parents to have timentogether. Although this particular article focuses on timentogether at home, neither parent should feel guilty aboutnwanting occasional time away from the family. An occasionalnadult "night out" is a special treat to look forward to.nnn Arguments are a part of family life, but it helps if onesnbetween the parent and stepparent are infrequent. Some ofnthe areas of disagreement can be worked out when the couplenhave time alone together, and this time is vital fornstrengthening the bond between them.