***CHOICES IN ANGER: Emotions, Mind and Spirit, Part 3

Blaming othersnScapegoating comes into common practice through processes that have been repeated throughout recorded history – in family, classroom, interracial and international settings. The targets of anger are always dehumanized. These “others” are painted by the blaming group as being subversive, menacing, threatening, dangerous, unwilling to compromise, infidels, wanting to destroy the ideals and values of its society, etc. etc. The “others” are unreasonable, unwilling to accept requests or demands, and seeking their own advantage at the expense of the blaming group. If there is an attack on the scapegoats, even in the proportions of genocide, the “others” are even blamed for the attack.nnLiving in Palestine turning Israel from 1944 to 1948, and again from 1973 to 1979, I witnessed the scapegoating of Arabs by Israelis and of Israelis by Arabs. My father worked most of his life as an administrator for Arab education – first under the British and then under the Israeli government. nnI heard through my father of the fears the Arabs had that the Jews were out to steal all of their lands, to take over their homeland, to desecrate their religious and cultural holy places, and to destroy whatever they valued in their culture. The Jews had, in fact, settled throughout much of the land of Palestine. Jewish extremists on some occasions committed atrocities against Arabs, as in the 1947 massacre in the village of Deir Yassin. Subsequently, when Palestinians fled from their lands into Jordan and Egypt, they were not allowed to return after Israel declared its independence. Arab lands were settled by Jews and Arab cemeteries were razed.nnThe Jews cited Arabic radio broadcasts in which the Arabs were promised that the Jews would be driven into the sea, and Palestinians would then be given their choice of Jewish properties. They pointed out that Arab fundamentalists demand an eye for an eye, and hold that death in a holy war is welcomed as a gateway to heaven. Several riots were listed – in which Jews in Hebron and other cities had been killed by Arab mobs.nnIn 1948, many Jews, like my father, had Arab friends and acquaintances and felt that the Arab people were not to blame for the hatreds that were being promoted by Arab leaders. These friendships have dwindled close to extinction, with only isolated efforts to shift the tides of growing bitterness.nnOver time, with the accumulation of deaths from 50 years of wars, of Arab terrorist and of Israeli anti-terrorist atrocities, it has been harder and harder to counter the paranoia, angers, battlefield bereavements, propaganda, and manipulations of leaders who have used the festering fears and hatreds to distract their constituents from domestic problems.nnAddressing scapegoating nAnyone who speaks up against the blaming or the attacks on the despised and hated “others” is tarred by the warmongering leaders, and by the speaker’s friends and acquaintances, as being disloyal, subversive, or as encouraging or even aiding the enemy. Changing the course of blaming and aggression becomes difficult to the point of being daunting or even dangerous.nnWe would do well to heed the words of President Theodore Roosevelt:n

nPatriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the President or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country.nnIt is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country.nnIn either event, it is unpatriotic not to tell the truth -- whether about the President or anyone else – save in the rare cases where this would make known to the enemy information of military value which would otherwise be unknown to him.n

nSadly, few have the courage to speak out against scapegoating leaders. Far more often than not, people and nations are led into wars that are ever so justified in their minds and hearts, with dissenters firmly dismissed.nnWhen enough of stored up frustrations and angers from the collective and individual buckets have been spilled, often with the blood of young soldiers on both sides, sometimes with the lives of innocent civilians sacrificed as well, or perhaps when excesses of scapegoating brutalities become known to the public, the aggression abates and more reasoned, compassionate actions come to the fore. Sometimes it is only with exhaustion of all resources, with counterattacks by outside forces, or through diplomatic interventions of third parties that the aggressive outburst is terminated.nnThen there may be a re-examination of events – in the light of altered circumstances. So it was in the Viet Nam War. So it will be with President Bush’s crusade against Iraq.n

nIt all started when he hit me back!n

nResponsibility and blamenIt’s all too easy to suggest, “It all started when he hit me back!” rather than to examine what we might have done, how our actions might have been perceived or experienced as a negative blow – that precipitated what we then experienced as an attack on ourselves. nnIn school we are not encouraged to analyze why we were attacked, and only rarely are we taught methods and processes of introspection or self-examination, so we end up stuffing angers away inside.nnWhere anger is stimulated, our first reactions are often blaming ones. When someone does something as simple as to step on my toe, I may respond in pain and anger – not attending to circumstances that may have explained or mitigated the blame in the actions that led to my pain. If I happen to be carrying buckets full of anger from other threats, attacks, or disrespectful intrusions on my autonomy, I may be all the more ready to take this opportunity to vent some of the stored up anger.nnIf my pain is not too severe, or my stored up angers not at levels that tempt me to dump them, I may pause long enough before responding – to take into consideration possible mitigating circumstances. nnI am bemused by the synchronicity of the arrival of the following anonymous internet “passalong,” precisely at the time I was writing about this. I have slightly modified this to better illustrate my points.n

nPrayer of understanding, acceptance, forgivenessnHeavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off inntraffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours thatnday and was rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, donthe laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.nnHelp us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young cashiernwho can't get your order right when you most need someone competent to help younis a worried student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with hisnfear of not getting his student loans for next semester nand worrying about whether he can pay both his rent and his tuition bill this month.nnRemind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in nthe same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is anslave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmaresnbecause he was put on pain medication after being blindsided by a truck.nnHelp us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slowlynthrough the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress arensavoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy reportnshe got back last week, this will probably be the last year that theyngo shopping together.nnHeavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts youngive us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share thatnlove with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not just to those whonare close to us but to all humanity.nnLet us be slow to judge and quick to forgive.nnBless us with patience, empathy and love.nnAMEN!n

nMost of us are able to see and appreciate circumstances that explain behaviors which stimulate us to respond with anger. When we empathize with those who have offended us, we can often understand, accept and forgive their behaviors. Our initial angry feelings dissipate.nnAt other times, we feel that circumstances did not adequately explain, mitigate or excuse behaviors that made us feel bad, and we may continue to nurture our resentments. nnAnger at self nWe may have meta-emotions in response to anger (or other emotions) – reactions to our reactions, such as, “Damn! I promised myself I wouldn’t shout at my kid when he spilled his food, and I just did it again!” or “How could I have been so stupid as to blast that silly old woman who just had to stick her nose into my business at the office meeting when I asked for an explanation of my benefits?” If you hone this skill, you can even develop meta-meta-emotions, such as, “Here I go again, picking at myself again! I’m so terrible at catching myself when I do these things!nnNow, anger can be constructive or it can be destructive – depending on how you respond and what you take away from it. If someone bawls you out, you can take it as an attack on your personhood and stuff a rancid load of “I’m no good” or “He’s a real so-and-so!” into your bucket. Alternatively, you could examine your behaviors that elicited the anger and change your behaviors so that you don’t elicit such reactions; or perhaps you might ask yourself, “What’s the matter with Henry today, anyway?” – as in the passalong list above. nnAlong with meta-emotions, we have meta-decisions about handling our emotions. You might resolve, “I’m sure going to stay away from Henry in the future when he’s angry!” or “I’m no match for Henry. I’d better keep my lip buttoned at the office.” or “You just wait, Henry, till I catch you making your next mistake!” or “I’ve had it! I’m quitting this job.” It is really easy to tie ourselves into knots with such internal angers, which then raise our bucket’s contents to simmering or boiling temperatures.nnOr, we might choose a healing approach to our angers: “I wonder what I might have done to stir Henry’s anger?” or “I need to catch Henry when we’re both in a better mood and sort out our differences and how we can discuss them without dumping on each other in the future.” nnWe always have choices. Anger challenges can be invitations to empty old junk we’re carrying around in our buckets. This gives us the immediate feeling of unloading a burden… but the relief is usually only temporary. Anger usually begets anger in return (often paid with interest), so we end up in the long run with even more anger stuffed in our buckets. nnAnger challenges can be invitations to examine our feelings, our relationships, our meta-reactions, and how we would like all of these to be. nnPracticing alternatives to anger responses, towards yourself and others – at times when you are not angry – can prepare you to respond in constructive ways when you are getting heated. (See “Conjugations,” below.)nnWhat has helped me enormously is practicing “reframing” – which I learned best from Jamshed Morenas, one of my most creative family therapy supervisors, when I was struggling in front of a one-way mirror, learning to deal with families in conflict. I remember very clearly my first introduction to reframing. I was hopelessly mired, unable to shift a mother, father, and three teenage children out of their patterns of constantly criticizing each other, defending themselves, and arguing incessantly. Jamshed called me out of the session for a discussion. I felt totally helpless to stop them from fighting each other long enough to even explore alternatives to being constantly angry and embattled. nnJamshed pointed out that the children were just being children and the parents were being parents. Working to stop them was an unproductive therapeutic frame of mind. This would only induct me into their system of arguing. A more constructive intervention might be to re-frame their arguments as expressions of caring for each other. I returned to the therapy room with this observation. It had a stunningly positive effect. This family of porcupines quickly acknowledged that they did really care for each other, and were able to see that they had the choice of showing that they cared through their quills or through their soft bellies – which they hesitated to even acknowledge they had because of the anticipation of being pierced by the quills of someone else in the family.