Communicating with Your Kids

Yesterday I enjoyed a long lunch out with my younger son. He is 26 years old, a scrappy entrepreneur who is street-smart, determined, and a learner. Over Vietnamese noodles, we talked about lessons he has learned from observing me, his father, and other mentors in the professional world. The conversation was lively, honest, interesting and pragmatic. Later today, I will spend several hours with my older son (age 29) for one-on-one time. Our conversation will undoubtedly take a different path; as a college professor, his interests lean more towards literature, philosophy, and current events. Our time will stretch me in a different, more intellectual way (except for the time we spend laughing about the colorful personalities in our family). Although quite different, I cherish my time with both of my sons.rnWhile I always yearn for more time to just hang out with my sons (both live in other cities and have busy lives with their respective jobs, significant others, and social commitments), I am always grateful that we have the kind of relationship that we can talk about anything. But this kind of relationship did not just happen once our children became adults; it has been nurtured since they were small children. Even though their Dad and I both worked full time, we made sure that we had lots of time together as a family, and with both sons individually. We taught them to be curious about the world, to be observers, and to explore new ideas. Although one son is more introverted, both are very verbal and thoughtful.rnLooking back over the years, I recall some things we did as parents that helped shape our boys into articulate, fun, engaging young men. We had a “conversation jar” where anyone could drop in a topic of interest, newspaper clipping, or controversial issue. Each night over dinner, we would randomly pick something from the conversation jar to discuss. It made for lively debates, and our sons learned to voice their opinions and thinking on a variety of topics.rnWe also limited television to five hours a week. That usually consisted of one or two shows all four of us enjoyed (The Simpsons was a big favorite, as was Seinfeld as they got older). The only problem with this plan was that initially our sons felt out-of-the-loop when their peers discussed other popular shows they watched (many of which we had declared off-limits, usually because of violence, adult content, or just the fact that they were too insipid to waste time watching). That dilemma was solved with a subscription to Entertainment Weekly, where they could read enough about current shows and movies to be able to hold their own in conversations around the lunchroom at school. So, they learned to be flexible and creative in how they learned, so that they could engage with others on topics of interest to their friends.rnI still relish talking with my older son about all kinds of things around the kitchen table while baking cookies well into the night. From an early age, he was my night owl and was most engaged during those hours when I preferred to be asleep. But I’m so glad that I manage my time and energy so that I can stay up late and talk (and the lure of cookies always helped; food is a great inducement to hang out). My younger son at about age eight started publishing a “newspaper” with interviews of our neighbors, which gave him increased confidence with adults and in his writing skills. My older son was asked in high school to keep a journal of his thoughts about school, which the headmaster used to better understand how kids see the world. We encouraged all activities that helped them build skills in listening and in communicating their thoughts. Sometimes this created challenges, such as when one son was banned from a well-known national chain store for picketing against child labor practices used by the makers of the goods sold there. We were proud of him for speaking up and stood by his decision to do so. His brush with the police was yet another topic of spirited debate at the dinner table.rnHow do you engage your children in ways that encourage them to be strong communicators of their ideas? What helps them to think more deeply, listen more carefully, and engage more fully with others? We would love to hear your ideas on communicating with kids. It is a life-long adventure. Good luck!