Parents, have you wondered why communication with your disruptive child bear a striking resemblance to a cartoon. Wham! Bam! Pow! Swish! Splat! Things go from bad to worse like the proverbial anvil falling from the sky.
rnHave you rushed in and reacted to what your child has done with unbridled and reckless emotional abandon where you later wish you hadn’t. Reflect for a moment, did your reaction parallel the results of a cartoon skit delivered by the Jay Ward cartoon characters Bullwinkle J. Moose and Rocket the flying Squirrel.
“Bullwinkle: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat." rnRocky: "A-gain?" rnBullwinkle: "Presto!" rnLion: "ROAR!" rnBullwinkle: "Oops, wrong hat."”
rnAfter your initial reaction of roaring at your child and you saw the expression on your child’s face did you internally think, “Oops, I pulled the wrong reaction out of my hat!” This is where your facial expression of a roaring lion implanted feelings of fear in your child that you are set to devour.
rnA reaction to any situation is often an off the cuff remark, pulled out of our proverbial hat, that provide a solution to the issues at hand, but it can create larger problems later.
rnA reactive style of communication is an indication that one person has either power or dominance over a lesser person. The outcome often leads to power struggles between a parent and their child. This is evident in children diagnosed with oppositional defiant behavior.
The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry states that oppositional and defiant children can display patterns of behavior that include arguing, frequent temper tantrums, refusal to comply with the directives of authority figures and blaming other for their actions. The power struggle can precipitate both parent and child accessing a repertoire of negative comments from their proverbial magic hats, which is a learned pattern of behavior.
rnSecond, a reactive style of communication is where explosive behavior, such as yelling and screaming, becomes the norm in the family’s daily life. The parent that emits explosive behavior in their communication with their children elicits response such as, fear, dread, shame and depression. The child learns that having power is having dominance over another person.
rnInstead, learn to have a reciprocal relationship with your child where communication is two sided. A communication style that is responsive rather than reactive.
rnHere’s an idea, respond to that negative situation with the kind of personal restraint that leads to making the situation a teachable moment!
rnA wise option, when working with an oppositional defiant child or one who has anxiety because of a negative situation, is to delay your reaction. With your best efforts and coolest demeanor try not to react to any situation in a volatile manner. Any knee jerk reaction to a potentially emotional situation can cause the mildest person to either say something negative or commit an act that they will regret later.
rnFirst, give yourself time in between the event and vocalizing your thoughts or feelings. As a guiding element in performing this task I recommend using the biblical verse Proverbs 15:1, (KJV) “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” A time delay in reacting and the use of choice words will not add negativity to the situation. It can offset both your emotional state of your response and that of your child in listening to your view point.
rnMake every effort to reach into your hat for the kind of facial and verbal expression that does not stir up wrath in others. Remember, actions resulting in words of anger, agitation, disgust, frustration, hysteria and shock will only lead to other negative reactions.
rnLet your first intention be to respond in the moment both appropriately and responsibly. In your response make every effort to assist the child not to loose their sense of value. In most accidents or poor decisions that end in property damage or personal injury the child will feel disheartened. Do not add emotional trauma to the casualty list.
rnBe mindful not to let the words from your hat of emotions magnify their negative feelings and dampen their self esteem. Instead let this incident turn into a moment where they learn from the incident. Dialogue with them as you both identify better choices that could change a similar situation the next time it present itself.
rnIn your conversation, let you goal be to build their confidence for their future choices. Teach your child that mistakes will happen. And with reassurance, help them realize that accidents will happen again in the future. Yet, help them realize that consequences will follow each time. Inform them that consequences are for learning to improve their choice selection in the future, not to punish them. Especially do not let your facial expression and verbal banter disrupt the lesson learned from the consequence.
rnNext, instill in the child, through the manner you teach this lesson, that they did not loose value as a person. Objects and things loose value but people do not. This is where relationships are built, reinforced and strengthened for the future.
rnIf a child does not feel you value them, one of two consequences can occur. One, they will not come to you when they need help because of a past mistake. Or two, they will initiate a power struggle with you so that they do not feel inferior.
This choice is yours to make.
rnLastly, the idea of pulling the right facial expression and verbal expression out of your emotional hat is actually to help your child sharpen their decision-making skills for future choices. The old saying which purports, “This is not about you,” is true. This is about the child and how they will grow into a socially and morally functional adult learning to make good choices.
rnReferences:
rnAmerican Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, Children with oppositional defiant disorder. 2011. Retrieved June 7, 2012 from
http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Children+with+Oppositional+Defiant+Disorder§ion=Facts+for+Familiesrn rnBible Gateway, Retrieved on June 7, 2012 from
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+15%3A1&version=KJV