Complex Inferiority

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I recently was talking to a client about a situation she is dealing with at work. She described it like this: “My boss is so condescending and talks down to me. She treats me like I’m stupid and I get so angry! Then I get really afraid that I’m going to make a mistake or do something wrong, and it will just confirm her beliefs about me. If I let the fear pick up momentum, I then worry that I’ll get fired, I won’t have enough money to pay my bills, and that my partner will then want to leave me.”

Does some version of this sound familiar? We all have experienced relationships where we feel less than or inferior to the other person in some way or another. The other person is more attractive, has more money, is a better parent, has a better job, a better partner, etc… When we feel badly about ourselves, our anxiety can take over, and we end up feeling panicked, overwhelmed, and fearful that any mistake we make will cause irreparable damage to our life situation. This is not a healthy mindset.

Being Wrong

In my last article I wrote about being “right.” If you haven’t read that article and would like to, (it will help give this article some context) click here.

There is nothing wrong with being wrong per say, is there? We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Most of us do ok with admitting factual errors- “Oh, the movie starts at 6:00? I thought it started at 5:30.” However, being “wrong” can put us all into some uneasy territory, especially in the realm of intimate relationships. What tends to happen when we have conflict is we start defending a position, and we equate that position with our sense of self. Thus, we end up defending our self worth, and the issue at hand that is causing conflict really becomes secondary. This tends to cloud our ability to clearly communicate.
Taking Responsibility for Other People’s Feelings

One way we allow ourselves to feel inferior to others is that we buy into the belief that we are responsible for their feelings. If someone is letting us know that he/she felt angry about something we did, we often blame ourselves for the other person’s experience. “It’s my fault he feels that way, he just told me I made him feel angry.” And then we feel bad about ourselves. In order to shift this way of being, we have to change our belief that we are responsible for another person’s feelings. Feelings are complex and arise out of a complicated combination of factors including: culture, gender, trauma, life experiences, how we were parented, how much sleep we got, and on and on….The present situation we are dealing with (such as the example of the condescending boss I gave earlier) is just the tip of the iceberg- really the cause of an emotional reaction runs deep into the waters of our past.
The Flip Side Response

Another common response to someone telling us that he/she felt angry about something we did is to turn aggressive, angry and defensive. “How can you blame me for that?! Look at what you did! I don’t have to listen to this!” This way of responding may help us feel good about ourselves temporarily as it feeds the ego’s need to be “right,” but in the end, we generally end up feeling afraid (the other person is really going to leave me now!) sad (I feel so alone) or some version of self-aggression (I’m so stupid! When am I going to learn to control my temper?!?”). None of these reactions help us to feel good about ourselves, but rather, reinforce the belief that we are inferior, wrong, or less than the other person.
So What is the “Right” Response?

We have to be careful when we start looking for the “right” response, because then we are setting ourselves up for doing it wrong! It is a slippery slope. If we want to respond in a way that is within our own integrity and serves the situation in the highest possible way, we have to become present, and learn to respond, not react. This means slowing down our response enough to become aware of how we feel, what we are thinking, and what it is we genuinely want to be the result of our interaction.

What if I Really Have Done Something Horrible?

We all do and say things that we regret. This is a part of being human. If you have done something you need to make amends for, do it. Call the person, write a letter or email, apologize, do whatever you need to do to attempt to set things right. The other person may or may not be responsive. Do not make their response the new determination of your self worth.

Back to Eleanor

Our self worth is a given- if we believe it is- and it can only come from within. No one can “make us” feel anything, including inferior, wrong, or less than. How we feel about ourselves is our responsibility. If we can choose to think of ourselves in a negative way, we can just as easily choose to think of ourselves in a positive way. This leads to better relationships, health, and overall quality of life. Shifting a core belief such as “I am inferior to others,” is not an easy feat. Start by bringing awareness to the situations and people that spark a feeling of inferiority in you. See if you can question the validity of that belief and try a new way of interacting. Get support from those that love you. Believe that you can do it!