Conflict Rules: Keep it Simple Stupid

When considering your rules about dealing with conflicts it's time to KISS and make-up . . . or rather the principle of Keep It Simple Stupid.

At some point in any relationship you'll begin to experience conflict. It happens sometime after you discover that he or she isn't perfect and before you want to throw the new Ginsu knifes at them.

Conflict happens because your expectations aren't being met by the other person. We each come to relationships with certain expectations about what a person will or will not provide for us. Whether it's a friendship or an emotionally intimate relationship - you have expectations. We all come with experiences from old relationships with other romantic partners, parents, siblings and friendships. This means that no two people will have the same expectations, think the same or want the same.

You might think that this is the time to bail out, but if you do you'll only come to this point in your next relationship. What will your plans be . . . to bail on all your relationships when you get past the fun stuff? If you do, you'll never have a successful long-term relationship.

Instead, it's time to be transparent with your partner and talk about your expectations, your desires, your wishes and your needs. You can do this by remembering not to sweat the small stuff. Those little molehills can quickly turn into mountains if you let them. The toilet paper can go on two different ways, the toothpaste doesn't have to be squeezed from the bottom and the underwear sometimes doesn't make the laundry basket.

Do they share your opinions about truth, health, fitness, food, entertainment and ethics? These are things that take up more of your time and energy and where you both should be somewhat compatible. If you aren't, it's time to practice some acceptance. The other person is coming from a background completely different from yours. You can't walk a mile in his shoes and he can't walk in yours. In fact, if you wear high heels, you probably can't walk a mile in your own shoes!

As you walk through this relationship thing, remember that you both want harmony and peace together. Neither one of you should want to argue or have discord. If either wants this, then it's time to seek professional help. Otherwise, let's remember to accept your partner, have patience and keep your eye on the big picture.

When you are having disagreements try to keep your attention on the behavior that you don't agree with and not the person. In other words, don't attack them and don't bring up old problems and issues. Keep your attention on the current issue. If you haven't gotten past an old argument, then choose another time to come to a compromise. One issue at a time, one disagreement at a time.

Never assume that you know exactly what the other person means. When we come with different experiences, we also have different perceptions about communication. Instead, clarify what they meant. Most of the time your significant other isn't trying to deliberately hurt you, and if they are there are more problems than just the current disagreement.

Ask them, "I think you said XYZ. Is that what you meant?"

As you work through this disagreement, remember that your objective is to solve the issue and move forward. You should disagree, compromise and move on. Let's not keep score of who wins and loses or you both lose.

Discuss how you are going to work through disagreements before you start having big ones. When you lay down specific rules, the resolution is easier and less painful.