Confront Jealousy in Your Love Relationship or Marriage

When Jeff sees his girlfriend, Tami, flirting with another guy, he gets jealous-- really jealous. It can take every ounce of restraint that Jeff has to not storm over and confront the other man, and Tami too. But Jeff has promised himself-- and Tami-- that he won't let his jealousy take over anymore. The trouble is, the anger and worry that fuel his jealousy have only become more intense as he tries to deny his emotions. In situations like this, Jeff feels as if he's going to lose it. Something has got to change. If you already struggle with jealousy, it can be even more difficult to sit in a triggering situation and try to pretend that you aren't thinking the thoughts that you're thinking or feeling the emotions that you're feeling. Like Jeff, you might be attempting to hold yourself back from a confrontation and this strategy just isn't working. We actually recommend that you stop holding yourself back and go ahead and have that confrontation. BUT.... What we urge you to confront is your jealousy and not your partner or other people. We encourage anyone who has a jealous habit to face up to the fact that jealousy is not going away on its own. Taking responsibility for your jealous feelings is an important first step in learning how to manage them-- especially in triggering situations such as when your partner is talking with others or possibly looking “too long” at others. You don't need to heap all of the blame on yourself for the troubles that have developed in your relationship. Set aside blame. Instead, own up to your habit of becoming jealous and acknowledge what usually happens when jealousy arises within you. We recommend that you look your jealousy straight in the eye and begin to interrogate the thoughts that you are having. When you recognize that you are jealous and about to “lose it,” take a deep breath, go within and begin to question the specific thoughts you are having that are fueling jealousy. Ask yourself, “Do I absolutely know this to be true?” When Jeff sees Tami flirting, he often thinks to himself, “There she is mocking me.” Or, “I bet that other guy thinks he can have any woman he wants...including mine.” By questioning these thoughts, Jeff admits to himself that he really doesn't know what motivates Tami to flirt or what the intentions of other men are. He truly doesn't know. Many times, when you realize that you are making up a story which may or may not be accurate, you can lessen the intensity of your feelings and, from there, make more mindful choices about what to do next. We suggest that you challenge your beliefs about yourself, your partner, your relationship and anything else that is contributing to you being jealous. If you have low self esteem, now is the time to take responsibility for what limiting beliefs about yourself are doing to you and your relationship. Begin to treat yourself with the kindness, respect and value that you deserve. If you harbor beliefs that all men or all women will flirt, lie, cheat or cannot be trusted, pick apart those assumptions. Are they based on experiences that you've had in the past that little or nothing to do with what's going on right now? Jeff knows that a particularly painful breakup he went through in college is still with him. Whenever he sees Tami flirting with another guy, he always thinks back to what it felt like to watch his girlfriend at that time flirt and then actually leave the bar to go home with another man-- as Jeff stood there embarrassed and furious. The bottom line here is that it's high time you confront your inner demons-- your thoughts and beliefs-- that are making you jealous. This is the confrontation that we advise you to have. After you've owned up to your jealousy habit and begun to really question those thoughts and beliefs that are fueling it, you're going to be able to look differently at your present relationship and any triggering situations that come up. Scenarios that used to upset you may only irritate you or even hardly bother you after you've had a confrontation with your jealousy. Does this mean that it's all up to you and that your partner has no responsibility in this dynamic? Of course not. When you are viewing these situations from a clearer and less jealous perspective, you can more easily communicate about what's going and what you'd like to change. From a jealousy-free place, you can create agreements with your partner about specific behaviors and you can set boundaries about what is and is not okay with you. You can listen to your partner's point of view and better understand where he or she is coming from. From a jealousy-free place, this kind of communication and the agreements you two create can actually move you closer together.