Dare To Be Loved

There is an arrangement between males and females creating havoc with marriages and families. Has our culture neglected to expect males to grow-up? Is it possible we are actually encouraging males to remain adolescent and asking females to take care of them? One television commercial depicts a young couple with the male receiving a phone call. He quickly turns to the female and declares, “My friend Bobby needs to vent.” She empathically encourages him to go support his friend. In the next scene the male is high-fiving Bobby exclaiming, “Let’s vent!” with the two of them proceeding to drink beer and watch football. The male proceeds to take a call during the frivolity, “Oh, Bobby is still venting,” as they chuckle over their coup. The above message from the mass media suggests it is fine to lie to a significant female and exploit her sensitivity. Lying and deceit are developmentally indicative of pubescent boys struggling with an emerging sexuality, along with a need for independence accompanied by a lingering attachment to be mothered. Are we encouraging males to remain stranded in their early maturation? Is it possible this atrophy of emotional growth might not take place without the assistance of females? If so, what’s the payoff for a female? It may be that females supporting the arrested development of males are invested in being needed. Quite often, females are responsible for the social life of the couple, where they live, how to raise children, where they vacation, how holidays are celebrated, the nature of gift giving, what they eat and sometimes how the male dresses. The culture invites women to settle for being needed rather than loved. rnWhen a female is needed, she is cast into a maternal role. When she is loved, the male prioritizes her womanhood, encouraging her to attend to her health, what brings her joy, and developing her innate skills and talents. When she’s needed, the male views her as a functionary who meets his needs. When a woman is loved, the male cherishes the uniqueness of her beliefs, her values and her capacity to create rapport with others. A woman being needed will at best be appreciated for what she does, while a woman being loved with be appreciated for who she is. This deeper level of gratitude acknowledges how she loves, how she thinks, creates, feels and supports her own growth. rnInjured male maturity is revealed as males grow emotionally distant from others accompanied by a confusion regarding receiving and giving emotional support. They struggle to know the grief of their losses, their vulnerability, longing and need for human contact. They likely become resentful of the female who controls much of their lives. rnThe damage to female maturity expresses itself as profound emotional isolation. She does not have a genuine collaborative partner who makes decisions, solves problems and shares a vision of their life together. His needs and often further distracted by the needs of children, she neglects her own needs and desires. As the female’s identity is reduced to the role of a delivery system, her growth is stripped of what she loves and dreams of. Her natural abilities run the risk of being disregarded in favor of championing the male’s interests. What can be done to interrupt this debilitating arrangement of the genders? Males can remain aware of how seductive it can be to give responsibility to a female for the tedious matters of adulthood and how disempowering it is to give away the control. Males can become active in child rearing, attending to funerals, holidays, vacations, births, finances and especially for their own physical and emotional wellness. Females can stop settling for being needed, willing to face the risk of abandonment by a male who wants a mother. Females can become more self-focused, remaining curious about what they need and love in order to honor the uniqueness of their individuality. Lastly, they can expect to be loved and cherished. The male in her life actively wonders about what she needs, what she loves, what hurts her, what inspires her and what angers her. The hope is rather than being content with simply depending upon a female, the male begins to take ownership for similar needs reflecting his emotional essentials. When a female dares to be loved by getting behind her own womanhood, refusing to simply be depended upon, the male in her life is invited into his manhood. Such a departure from childhood will be paved with tension and resistance; and if properly guided, flourish into adulthood and authentic partnership.