Dear Dr. Romance: I was tired of being his 'booty call'

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm married to a man that I sleep in the same bed (our daughter co-sleeps with us) with but other than that not much else. We are in our thirties, and we've been married about two years but have been living together for longer. In the beginning it was great, even after we got married we spent most of our time together. I got pregnant and we lost our first little girl when I was 8 months pregnant, and a couple months later I got pregnant with our little girl who's now two. Since I got pregnant the second time he's really distanced me. When he comes home from work he goes directly to his computer and plays games until we eat dinner,then he goes straight back to the games. On the weekend he goes out to play sports every Saturday while I watch our daughter and on Sundays he's usually working as well. The only things we do together are shopping and dinner, and he usually watches a movie while we eat.

I just feel so lonely. It wouldn't be so bad but we live in the country he was born in, and I don't speak the language. He doesn't have a problem but the only people that I know are single men that usually spend their free time drinking or looking for girls. So I go to work and then come home everyday, and the only people I really talk to are students. I get so frustrated that most days I can't even stand looking at him because I've tried to tell him how I feel but he just doesn't understand or seem to care. I've told him I wanted a divorce but he ignores it- mostly because he knows I can't do it without his help. We stopped having sex more than a year ago because I was tired of being his 'booty call'- he wouldn't talk to me all day but in the night, he'd come rubbing up on me like a dog in heat expecting to get a warm reception. I want to keep our family together because I grew up without a father and I don't want that for my daughter; but I don't want her think that a woman has to be miserable to keep a man.

I've suggested counseling but he says it would be in his language, and I wouldn't understand it. I've suggested him reading books, but he can't be bothered, and I've even suggested that we start having weekly 'dates' all to no avail. I just don't know where I can start repairing our marriage- or how to come to grips that it's over. I don't want to have to return to the US during the recession when I have a very good job here.

Dear Reader,

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your daughter. Your husband may be having either a cultural problem or an emotional problem. He may be acting just the way his parents did, or what most people do in his family and experience. Or, this could be the way he handles his feelings about the lost baby, and he may be jealous of the time you spend with the new baby. Do you know how he feels about having a daughter, and not a son?

When you cut him off from sex, you may have blocked the only way he knew to connect. It's very important for you to find some girlfriends you can ask. You need information. If you want to change him, whining, complaining and anger won't work. You need to get strong, and friends can support you in feeling stronger. Also, your daughter sleeping in your bed may be in the way of you two talking effectively, since it's the only time you spend together. It's important for you to re-think everything. You are in a very precarious situation, because you don't speak the language, and it doesn't sound like you have family or real friends there. Can you come back to the USA without his help? The American Embassy could help you negotiate the language difficulties. You say your job is very good, but is it worth spending your life in such isolation? If you got serious about taking care of yourself, and he thought you would leave, his behavior might change. But, he has to see you take action, not just complain. If you were not home one day when he got there, because you took the baby and went out with friends, he might start to pay attention. You need to stop living in a bubble, learn the language, and begin taking care of yourself. There must be someone there who does therapy in English. Because you said the only people you see are students, I assume you're a teacher. Look for some other teachers who speak English, and who would help you learn the language. This would also be a great way to make some personal contact, and develop some friends.

You are trying to get your husband to be your support system, and he thinks he can get away with neglecting and ignoring you because he thinks you're helpless. Show him you're not. Get yourself the help you need, then you'll have some power to get him to listen to you. You might still have a chance to save this marriage. "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" and "Your Primary Relationship" will give you some of the tools and perspective you need, and How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together will help you understand how to communicate effectively with your husband. I wish you a happy, successful future.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com