Developing the Self-Confidence to Last a Lifetime

What is the single best predictor of success in love, work and play? You're right! It's Self-Confidence! We all want to feel 'self confident', but the question is; 'How can we reliably go about this, if we don't already feel this way?' . It may be helpful to picture the trait of self confidence on a bell curve. Those who have way 'too little' of it, don't try anything that they feel they might fail at, while those who have 'too much' of it, may be unable to recognize it, when they perform poorly according to other people's standards, and fail to learn from their mistakes. So, let's imagine that there is an optimal range of self-confidence to be achieved or experienced. How can we increase our self-confidence so that we feel empowered to work towards those goals that are most vital to us?

What can we learn by looking at the way self-confidence develops in children? Most developmental psychologists feel that before true self-confidence develops, a child must first feel that they are worthy of love and attention, and must have received a minimal amount of nurturing. Research shows that children who have high self-confidence were generally those who were not severely criticized or punished when they attempted to try something new. In fact, most developmental research shows that self-confidence develops over time, as parents (or other significant adults) consistently and realistically praise children for performing certain actions well. These children know from experience that if they focus and keep trying, they will be highly likely to succeed at the task of their choice. Eventually, this praise somehow gets transformed into the growing child's 'cognitive expectations for success', and will determine how likely they are to try new things and to overcome challenges.

So what can we do if we were not lucky enough to be consistently praised for our positive performances as children? Exactly! We must learn to consistently reward ourselves for our realistic successes in life. In turn, we must be gently supportive of ourselves, when our performance falls short of our expectations. We must develop a reliable inner voice that says 'I know I can do this' vs. 'Why even bother?'. To practice this, try becoming aware of what you tell yourself before and after you approach a new or difficult task. If what you tell yourself is not helpful, try coming up with a creative positive statement that is more supportive and encouraging. Keep practicing, and soon the positive thoughts will become habitual, and little, by little, your self confidence will start to grow!