Divorce: Don’t ask Why?

In life, I have come to accept the fact that there are questions of mine that will never be answered to my satisfaction if at all. I have come to accept the fact that some things in life are beyond my comprehension and I must trust or have faith that certain occurrences are indeed outside the realm of human reason. I have also come to see how these acts of acceptance with their attendant faith about life are concepts that apply to learning how to let go and move on after your divorce.

The catastrophe in Haiti was yet another example of me not being able to get my mind around an event that demonstrates the unfai
ess of life. Why should a country and a people suffer such extreme tragedies over and over and over again? Why them? Isn’t life hard enough as it is? Why would a supreme being who is supposed to be compassionate allow something like this to happen? Why?

There is no answer. You can speak to any expert, any politician or any clergy-person and you will not get an answer. Trying to understand and make sense of what is senseless is not only futile but also dangerously depressing to the human psyche. Trying to understand the whys of the recent earthquake in Haiti is akin to attempting to make sense of the Holocaust or the genocide in Rwanda.

Instead of looking for answers to a question that cannot be answered, might there be a different option that will allow us create an answer? What if this earthquake finally mobilizes the world to rebuild Haiti in such a way that the country will be better off than before the quake? What if this earthquake becomes the call to action that has been needed for so long?

The media coverage of the earthquake and the subsequent outpouring of aid to that country have revealed incredible reservoirs of human strength and endurance that seemed unimaginable under normal circumstances. That is what can happen when we are faced with extreme conditions: we rise to the occasion and we access strength that we did not know we possessed.

Divorce is similar to a natural disaster in that it can shake the foundation of our life and leave behind devastation. We can go on to examine our marriage and divorce to see where the cracks were in the foundation. We can come to understand many of the reasons for the breakdown of our union with our ex but it still won’t answer the underlying question of ‘why me’?

Except that perhaps there are ways to respond to your divorce that might offer you, like the quake victims, opportunities for improvement and growth in your life. What if this divorce allows you to heal all the old emotional baggage you have been carrying around for years? What if this divorce allows you to access hidden reserves of strength and intellect that you didn’t know you had? What if this divorce is an opening for you to create more of the things that bring you joy and fulfillment in life? What if this is your call to action to attend to all of the things that you have denied for years? What if your divorce reveals new possibilities for you? What if your marriage had to end in order for you to be who you were really meant to be in this life?

Let us not forget about the faith or trust that must accompany this type of journey in life, be it a natural disaster, a divorce, the death of a loved one or any other life altering circumstance. I sincerely believe that we have to be willing to accept that there are not explanations for everything in life. Just think of the questions our children asked us when they were very young: Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to go to bed? Why are there bad people in the world? Why did your friend have to die? Why, why and why?

You do not have to believe in any one religion to have faith or trust. You can have a sense of serendipity. You can have faith that nothing happens by coincidence. You can have faith that there might be a bigger plan for you that you cannot see right now. You can have faith that there is a bigger force at work in this world. You can trust that there are good things that always come out of bad, the proverbial silver lining. You can believe in possibilities versus impossibilities. You can adopt the perspective of looking at what might be available in this event that could serve you. You can trust that your life is unfolding in a particular direction for a particular reason.

I think of people who have suffered great personal tragedies and have used that life experience to become something bigger and better that they never would have had their life not taken that route. Lance Armstrong’s personal battle with cancer has made him a powerful advocate for cancer research. Iraqi vet Melissa Stockwell credits losing her leg in battle to her win in the Olympics (swimming) for the disabled as well as a highly successful and fulfilling new career in prosthetics. Not that she would have chosen to lose her leg, not at all. It was just that in the acceptance of her loss she was able to choose how to best live her life under these new conditions. How many times have you heard people say that their appreciation for life is so much more intense now that they have suffered a life altering experience?

It all comes down you having the power over your own life to choose what is best for you and what will move you forward. You may not always get the answers you seek but even if you did have all the answers it would not alter your present reality one little bit. Things would still be what they are versus what you may think they are supposed to be. Trust in the way your life is unfolding. Believe there is a reason. Trust that there are many important life lessons and wisdom you will receive if you open yourself up to them. Have faith that everything will work out. Consider that the alte
ative viewpoint is pretty dreary.